More than just BDSM – it's real life

It’s Friday. Master S’s office party will be taking place this evening at an elegant restaurant. i’m determined to make Master proud of my presentation to his colleagues and staff. They’ve all seen me before, but typically it’s been in a more casual fashion. Tonight i’m pulling out the stops. Lipstick, full make-up, an off-the-shoulder red sweater, skinny pants and boots. Master likes to watch men’s heads turn when i enter a room. Because of this, i’ve become much more conscious about taking advantage of my natural presence.

If i might say, this is one of many things i thoroughly enjoy about Master. He’s not jealous as He knows that i’m going home with him.

Which leads me to other things i fully appreciate about my beloved Master…

His honest, direct communication. Without His lead in this area, i couldn’t be in such a relationship. It would degenerate into one which contained many unspoken issues. This unfortunately seems to be the standard for most couples.

His firm knowledge of what He wants. i’ve known upfront about His likes and dislikes…no surprises. There are areas we’re slowly walking into that at this time seem unpleasant to me, but i’ve gone into this with full awareness.

His humor. Though Master doesn’t smile much, His dry humor is often unexpected and quite on-target. It’s a good complement to my silliness.

His intelligence. When Master makes a statement or demand, most times there’s a fair amount of thought behind it. Not much is done “just because”. Again, this is good for me in that i tend to be somewhat scattered.

His caring. Even after a discipline session, Master takes extraordinary steps in after-care to ensure that “we” are still strong. It’s His attention to us as a real-life couple that melts my heart.

His physique. Master is very strong yet He never uses that strength against me. Even during times of correction, i know he’s holding back. For that, i’m eternally grateful.

His creativity. It takes many forms and expresses the inner workings of His mind.

His need for morning coffee…and lots of it. Yes, i do love this as well. It’s his kryptonite.

All of these are just a sliver of why i love him so. He’s my “other”. The flip side of the coin.

Though i use this blog as a means of venting, it’s no small matter that we’re together. Master S is a wonderful partner and one which i’d want to walk beside…no matter how the relationship was structured.

Am in an odd mood this morning, feeling as if something’s amiss. There’s a sense of uneasiness which is perhaps to be occasionally expected when one has handed over control.

Last night after generously allowing me a few orgasms, Master wanted to take me anally. One of the thoughts running through my head was that Master was perhaps finding it difficult to cum in the usual manner…and that perhaps reflected on me or an inability to please Him. (i know, i know… it’s not all about me) i’m embarrassed to say there were a few tears at first entry, as it was a bit painful. i believe i would’ve enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been for my preoccupation with Master’s pleasure.

Note: i realize that Master chooses not to cum all the time, so my concern was based on my own insecurities.

Later, Master didn’t sleep well so something may have been weighing on his mind. i quietly slipped out of bed in order to allow Him space to get comfortable. His work days demand a degree of attention to detail, so i’m cognizant that His need for rest supersedes mine.  My intention was to remain alert until i heard His breathing settle into the familiar slow, rhythmic pattern of sleep. Instead, i ended up falling asleep even with the best of those intentions.

When the alarm rang this morning, i realized that the night had slipped away. i then burrowed in beside Master. i love being in that spot – skin on skin – and felt like i’d missed out greatly on that tactile pleasure.  We proceeded with the morning routine which includes my care of Him in the shower, shaving and general grooming.

During breakfast, Master received a text message – read it with a sly smile on His face but made no comment. My stomach turned. (later i found out it was his ex texting about escrow details on the house they own but can’t seem to sell). i realize that i’m responsible for my own reactions and that this may very well be the result of past shadows and painful “learning experiences” due to misplaced trust.

Master may not be pleased with this post, so i struggled with whether or not to publish it. My decision to do so is based on His wanting to know my thought processes, as unattractive as they may be at times. Hopefully a bit of meditation today will help release this insecurity as i know it’s not productive or helpful.

A few days ago, Mick from Under Contract (see Favorite Blogs) recently asked if i receive an amount of pride for enduring Master S’s corrections, piercings and other events. It was an insightful question and one i’ve been pondering since that time.

Here’s what i’ve come up with…

Though i don’t enjoy the pain sensations as some subs/slaves seem to, i’ve learned from them.  Now i’m better able to view the experience as temporary and not carry as much angst about the event. Sometimes the simple truth is, whipping my pussy arouses Master S. i like the fact that i’m able to provide that for Him.

Endurance is an exercise in “letting go”. Letting go of the fact that it’s my beloved Master inflicting the pain. Letting go of the social norms that categorize this type of relationship as “bad”. Letting go of the illusion that says this energy exchange isn’t done with love.

Master S is allowing Himself to be very authentic with me. That’s a rich reward for any sub/slave.  i’m also discovering that previous definitions of “a great relationship”  have been replaced with a deeper understanding. More earthy, but also more real and connecting due to the depth of communication that takes place.

An unexpected side benefit of these sessions is that they’ve even helped me in my workouts with James, our sadistic personal trainer. My limits are being tested and i’m getting stronger both physically and mentally. Without a doubt, i know that the pain is only temporary. My mind can better overcome what’s happening “in the moment” and recognize that the benefit lies on the other side…whether it’s 15 seconds or 15 minutes away.

So yes, there is an amount of pride in attempting to serve Master S the way he wants to be served. i’m not always successful, but He knows i’m trying. And i’m doing it with love.

There’s a yogic saying which sums it up, “If the body is not governed by the mind, and the mind is not governed by the soul, no healing can ever manifest. Love is the essence of healing.”

If one can’t hand themselves over without lingering negativity, then one simply shouldn’t hand themselves over.

It’s bitterly cold here with windchills of -24. As is my habit, i take to daydreaming of warmer climes when we’re knee-deep in winter. The cold doesn’t slow down our activities, but my personal preference is to be able to step outside without requiring 3 layers of clothing, a parka and boots.

Master just recently booked flights to Mexico in January. Though i’ve traveled internationally quite a bit, i’ve never been to Mexico. But that won’t be the biggest part of our adventure. You see, Master S has booked us at an adult, clothing-optional all-inclusive resort. He’s been there before, but this will be my first time.

i told my very chatty sister that we were going to Mexico in January, and she eagerly suggested that she and her husband join us. When i told her that this is a clothing-optional place…there was silence. “Hello?  Hello?” “Ummm, maybe we can go to Vegas together instead sometime” she replied.

Being the conservative type, it’s actually a good thing that she doesn’t want to go. (she doesn’t know of our D/s arrangement) This resort allows for public sex in some areas and i don’t know of many people who’d be comfortable having family members around while doing “the wild thing”.

Going to a place like that has a lot of advantages. Primarily, it breaks up our winter. Also, there’s no need for layers of clothing, boots and assorted gear. One only has to remember tanning lotion, sunglasses and perhaps a good book. The resort provides all the towels, drinks and food you could possibly want.

So here i sit looking out at a wintry landscape, already anticipating the feel of sunshine on my skin and the freedom of being caressed sans clothing by Master. Dreaming of cabanas and relaxation.

For now though, I’ve got to find my missing glove. I know it’s around here somewhere…

Friday night – Master S and i were on the way home from an evening out. Without being ordered, I took off all my clothes for the ride home. This makes Master happy and i know that He’ll want to pleasure me while He’s driving.

i position myself as directed – legs open, feet touching just at the big toes so He can inspect the arches of my feet at a glance. My pussy is open to Him and He turns on the light inside the vehicle to get a better view. Soon His warm hand finds my thigh, lingering there before delivering long, slow strokes on my pussy.

He feels my wetness and then brings His hand to His nose to inhale my scent. Then He continues His masterful manipulation, making me come several times. We find ourselves home much too quickly for my liking…settling into the rest of the evening at home with a surly teen.

Saturday morning – Master directs me to pause in front of Him and He touches my pussy. This is a non-verbal command to spread my legs so He can view His domain more easily. i do so, only to see a questioning look on His face. “Did you remove your piercing” He asks. i gasp – unaware that between last night and this morning, my clit jewelry had fallen out. Knowing how quickly my skin heals, i’m concerned that i may need to be re-pierced if i don’t find the missing ring. Also, as it was only last weekend that i endured punishment, i didn’t want Master to consider this an event worthy of more discipline.

It didn’t take long for me to start a thorough search. The sheets were inspected in case it fell out while sleeping. My steps were retraced and all possible nooks and crannies were considered. Then i looked in the truck – and the ball part of the piercing was sitting on the seat but the ring was nowhere to be found. Uh oh. Our robust romp had caused the jewelry to come undone.

i suggested to Master that we drive to town to get a replacement. He agrees, but wants to go back to the tattoo shop…just in case. He even suggested that Josh (the young guy who did the piercings) take a look at it and do the reinsertion. My heart sank. i certainly didn’t want to revisit Josh seeing me naked again…

Before going to see Josh, we stopped in to a local coffee shop – Master S had a latte and I had a cup of tea. While there, my mind was whirling. i suggested that Josh didn’t need to see us again and i could most certainly handle putting it back in.

Master sternly said, “You still haven’t let go. This is an example of you controlling from the bottom.” i realized he was right. i was trying to manipulate the situation. He’s wise to bring it to my attention.

We continued on to the tattoo shop and Josh advised us as to which types of jewelry would provide the most stimulation. We end up with two new pieces – including a barbell style that was highly recommended. Shortly afterwards, we head home for the reinsertion process.

While i lay back on the bed, Master is graciously helping out. Unfortunately, the piercing has already started to close and the curved design of the barbell doesn’t lend itself to easy entry. i triy to focus on other things while Master’s hands were working the bar through. He was trying to be gentle and had managed to penetrate the piercing from one end, but…it hurt!

i offer to take over the task and He happily agrees. After some time i could spot the glint of metal near the exit side. The problem was, the metal was much thicker than the hole. This meant i’d basically have to re-punch thru the opening. Taking a deep breath, i gave it a final shove. Success! But along with that came an amount of pain. Still, it was now done. i screwed on the ball to cap it off and stood up, a bit shaky.

We didn’t have sex that evening, but were eager to try out the new jewelry this morning…just to see if Josh was right about its stimulating effects.

It was absolutely delightful due to the continuous stimulation provided by the balls on either end of the bar. i came time and time again. Master was pleased. i wanted to do something for Him, as i realize i do provide Him with a fair amount of work in my training. i asked him if He’d like to take me from behind while striking my back. i know He likes it and it shows my eagerness to please.

He bent me over the bed. It didn’t take more than 3 strikes from a cane before He came with a vengeance. Soon afterwards, i licked Him clean as is my duty.  i consider myself to be a very lucky slave.

Sometimes we don’t like being corrected…okay, more than just “sometimes”. We chafe at the thought that another person places themselves in a position of authority. Our inner child stomps its foot and rebels against the fact that someone is calling us on our behavior.

Recently Master S found it necessary to provide “correction”. i broke what was his most set-in-stone rule…being appropriately naked at all times. i’d agreed beforehand to being “au naturale” unless other people were around, and i also knew the severity of breaking this rule. Still i erred and set in motion the most recent chain of events. (see previous posts)

At first, i was mentally stomping my foot. Pleading my case, as it wasn’t the norm for me to disregard this very important rule. Yet when the dust settled, the fact remained that i had indeed messed up. This placed Master S in a bit of a predicament. He could empathize with His pet and go on as if nothing had occurred, or He could enforce the consequences of my crossing the proverbial line in the sand.

Though He is a caring Master, i’d usurped his control. That fact couldn’t be ignored. Thus i had to serve out the consequences. No one could say that i wasn’t aware of what might happen as we’ve talked about almost every aspect of this relationship at length…even what could be expected for breaking the rules.

i’m still in training and Master S has on many occasions given warnings rather than punishment. For that, i’m very grateful. Changing one’s behavior and responses can be a difficult thing and it most definitely doesn’t happen overnight. Being mindful and aware at all times – without feeling like i’m walking on eggshells – is the goal.

Also…i hate making mistakes, which helps Master S achieve his goal in progressing me to “ideal slave” status. Some slaves delight in breaking rules as they look forward to the punishment, but that’s not me. i’d rather serve Master in a seamless, attentive manner, looking after His needs with the utmost of care.

But still, i made a mistake…and received the consequences of such. My pride was wounded more than anything else. Now i’m eager to reconnect with Master on a deeper level. We’re in this together, and i plan on doing my utmost to see that we remain that way.

Dec 6^th – Clothespin day. We wake up and have sex but my state of mind made for an unusually mild session. We eat a good breakfast, then after a while go work out. It’s good to get the endorphins going. i need all the help i can get.

After a shower, we get ready for the public appearance with the clothespins. Master instructs me to wear tight clothes which will show the outline of the clothespins and no underwear. i pick out a pair of yoga pants and a knit top. He approves and before heading out the door, i’m instructed to place a clothespin on each nipple and 4 on my pussy. They hurt, especially when i walk. But i don’t dare complain, especially after getting a warning from Master that my attitude needs to remain positive. He reminds me to readjust them every 15 minutes. This means they’re constantly painful due to the removing and replacing.

At first we stopped at a coffee shop. i was hoping we’d just get groceries but that apparently wasn’t the plan. i’m told to remove and replace while we’re there. i step inside the bathroom and do so. Tears spring to my eyes but i’m determined not to let them show.

i’m fully aware that i chose this venue and am determined to deliver on it.

We leave the coffee shop and head to the grocery store. Master drops me off at the door, realizing that it’s painful to walk. Nevertheless, it’s a very large grocery store and i grit my teeth just thinking of how much this is going to hurt.

i place my coat in the shopping cart as instructed. Walking around with clothespins under my shirt and on my pussy is humiliating. i imagine every set of eyes upon me, but my instructions were to walk proudly. i try to do so.

We go up and down the aisles, picking out items that are on our list. People’s eyes flicker to my shirt especially, but they try not to be obvious. My strides are getting shorter as we progress. The pain from my pussy is almost too much. i have to ask one of the people at the store where a certain item is, and she takes off ahead of us to the other end of the store at a fast clip. Ouch ouch ouch. Master seems to notice. As we near the end, he pulls me aside and lets me know that i’m free to remove the clothespins. He notes that He’s proud of the way i handled myself.

i go to the restroom, close the door and yank down my pants. Removing the clothespins brings a yelp, and i hope there isn’t anyone outside the door. My nipples are deformed into pucker marks where they were pinched for that period of time.

At home, we unload the groceries and carry on as usual.

As we get ready for bed, i get into position, snuggled up on His shoulder. i feel like i can breathe, and take in the scent and feel of Him. Relief washes over me as i realize that i did it. i survived this second (and final stage) of a felony punishment.

Now, as long as i follow His basic rules, i shouldn’t have to endure such treatment from here on out…unless He decides He wants some “play time” with me.

As you may recall, i broke one of Master’s cardinal rules. (see previous post)    i’ve been waiting to see if He wanted to offer His perspective but He’s been busy at work and hasn’t had the time to do so. This means you’re stuck with my version of what happened next…

The following events were a result of that severe infraction. i take full responsibility for placing Master in a position where He has to follow through on the rules.

Dec 5th:  Have been awake all night. Dreading the time when punishment occurs. Master offered me a chance to barter what my punishments were to be. Couldn’t sleep –  i couldn’t believe i’m in a situation where I even need to consider things like this.

Update: My punishment initially outlined was as as follows…

15 strikes w/hairbrush on my butt.

15 pussy whips – with my clit ring, it’s a drop-dead fetal-position type of pain.

10 outfits of mine to be donated to Goodwill.

Vibrator – the amount of minutes to be decided by a roll of the dice x 10 min. Example: If a 4 were rolled, then the vibrator would be taped onto me for 40 minutes. Of all the things, i dread this the most. There’s something about when it’s used for torture or punishment that tears at my core.

So Master offers me a way to diminish any of the punishments if i can think of something to substitute them with of equal value. So i come up with something else…

Clothespins. i’d wear them in any manner for a time specified by Him. This would take place of the vibrator.

Master agrees but not completely. i’m to experience the vibrator for 10 whole minutes. Then He explains that He’ll have me wear clothespins on nipples and pussy while we’re out on the town. My clothing is to be tight so that the clothespins can be viewed by others. When we enter a building, i am to remove my winter coat so i’m not covered by it. Humiliation.

i agree in order to reduce the time with the vibrator. He informs me that He’ll remove the clit ring which will help a great deal.

On Saturday afternoon, the punishments begin. Master tells me to remain in the greeting position, my breasts are not to leave the floor, or the count begins again from zero. As i’ve already experienced how hard he can hit with the hairbrush, i know it’ll be difficult this will be.

1 – 2 – 3… i think after this point, i start to sob. It hurts so much but as i don’t want to start again from zero, i hold the position. Master finishes, stands me up and holds me for a while. He says to let Him know when to start the pussy whippings. i want to get it over with, even though the pain from the hairbrush is still fresh.

Master ties my feet above my head and my wrists are tied flat to the bed. There’s not much give in this position and i can’t move or squirm.

Master removes the clit piercing . Though i’m appreciative of His consideration, i don’t care for Him much at this point. (i know i brought this on myself though) He begins. The first strike is to the left of my clitoris and i can handle it okay even though it’s painful. The second strike lands dead-on the clitoris. i nearly scream but manage not to. After a few more strikes, my body starts shaking. i’m not sure if i can do this.

Master continues and i’m glad that not all of them are “on target”. Still, it hurts. i want to rip off my collar and walk out the door. My head is screaming at me that i’m an idiot. But i stay.

Master unties me and forces me to hold onto him. i don’t want to, but i do as i’m told. He doesn’t want me to resent Him or hate Him for my infraction.

After what seemed to be a few short minutes, Master gets the vibrator. The deal is that it stays on for 10 minutes. After only 30 seconds it feels like forever. i’m begging him to please please please have mercy. He’s telling me in a stern voice to keep my hips down, but it’s difficult to do so as then it places the vibrator directly on my clit. My emotions are getting the best of me and tears are streaming. i’m not sure if He had it on the entire 10 minutes but after a while, He shuts it off. Unties me and holds me for a very long time until my tears stop.

i keep telling myself that i actually signed up for this,but for now i’m just too tired to care. Relief floods in that i’ve made it through most of the punishment.

As i don’t feel like going to get groceries that evening, we get a take-out pizza then go to the gym. i took some Tylenol PM to help me sleep so i don’t toss and turn, dreading tomorrow’s public appearance with the clothespins.

But i’ll leave the clothespin event for another blog post…

i messed up…big time. Got back to hotel room and the person i had a business call scheduled with was calling me early. i grabbed the call w/out taking off my clothes and shortly afterwards, Master walked in for a “nudity check”. This was the first time that i was wearing clothes when the occasion dictated me to be nude. Now it appears He’s not willing to listen to my explanation and is terming it a felony. Justifiably so.

It appears I’m in line for a punishment because of the lapse today…which was only due to not having time from walking in the door to grabbing the call.

Seems like i’ll need to be diligent in not allowing for an error such as this. i’ll submit to this punishment though am not looking forward to what He decides to hand out.

i’m sure Master S will weigh in on his thoughts on this blog as to the unfolding of this predicament. All i know is that i’ve broken one of His hard rules on my submission, albeit not in a willful manner. This is one of those times when i find this lifestyle extremely challenging.

i’m traveling with Master on the occasional week that He does business in another part of the state. So for two days, i sit and do my work in a hotel room – naked – until He gets back and then we go out to dinner with His assistant.

Currently, it’s freakin’ cold outside.  i’ve cranked up the heater so the metal piercings doesn’t get so cold that my nipples and private region gets frostbite…okay, so i exaggerate. Anyway, anticipating our trip to Mexico in 2 months, i asked Master if i could order some clothes for the occasion. His response…”What do you need clothes for?”  The resort we’re staying at is clothing-optional so unless Master decides i can wear something, the sun will hopefully provide ambient heat.

He did let me know that He will be involved in the clothing choices so we’ll be looking at those later (hopefully this evening).

Last night was a bit of an odd evening.  After a 3 hour drive, and some shopping at the mall, we’d already put in a full day and i was feeling the effects of tiredness. We began warming up for sex while the Duke basketball game was on the tv, then Master stopped and asked if i’d prefer to drink his urine or go through “sensation training”. In my mind, those two activities don’t align with sexual stimulation. i could feel myself going as dry as the Sahara a few seconds after He asked. i need to be in a different mindset in order to perform them.

Those abrupt changes in focus are difficult when i’m tired. Sometimes i think Master S is messing with my mind when He does that. What i do know is that it causes me to internally go, “This sucks…” as i attempt to corral the expectation of deep, physical connection with Master. It’s like trying to get a racehorse back in the stall after leading him to the starting gate.

So i stopped – quit the negative chatter going on in my mind – and carefully answered His questions. It’s a cat-and-mouse attempt to catch me in direct refusal.

Ex:

Master: So would you like to drink my urine?

Me: i didn’t realize Master had that in mind.  

Master: Or would you prefer to undergo sensation training?

Me: If that’s what Master prefers.

Master: No, I’m asking you which one you’d like to do.

Me: i’m not sure i can make that decision, Sir.

Master: (realizing he won’t catch me and seemingly disappointed that I’m not overjoyed with the prospects of either) Well, I need to pee.

Then He got up and went to the bathroom. i was relieved to say the least, but still not looking forward to the sensation training. The last time Master did that, He unintentionally hit the fresh clit piercing which forced me into a fetal position from the pain.

He came back, seeming a bit annoyed. We finished watching the basketball game (it was a close one, Wisconsin won) and then pretty much went to bed. No further conversation or training took place. Times like this, i feel the bdsm stuff gets in the way but i have to admit that it also has caused us to be very clear in our communications and expectations with each other.

But this morning, all was back in balance. Master took the opportunity to employ His belt on my butt for a bit of training. i know He likes it, and that’s what i need to keep in the forefront of my mind. It’s just so much easier when one has the energy required to take it on.