In retrospect, I felt S was my hero…even with flaws and imperfections. I guess that’s the toughest thing for me to reconcile, the loss of feeling that he’d do the right thing, even when it was difficult.  I felt he’d make decisions based on keeping our relationship in the highest regard. <sigh> .

There was nothing “wrong” between us. In fact, it was pretty damned good. Great sex, intriguing conversations, hot chemistry which only continued to grow. Which causes me to wonder why he did it.

When it comes right down to it, I probably don’t need a hero. Just a man who has his priorities straight and appreciates what’s right in front of him. After this experience, S may step up and be that man.  That would be all the hero I need or want.

For example, S is going out of town and has asked to take the laptop with him. Normally, no biggie. But that voice spoke up and said, “hmmm…a laptop plus free time in the evening?”

I certainly don’t want to be his parole officer. I just want to know – without a doubt – that he’s prepared to make good decisions, keeping “us” in mind. I’ve heard him speak about how he’s ready to do so and I believe him, but that damned little voice is dredging up insecurity.

But I’m going to continue living a life where it’s better to give than to hold back. I love him and consider him my best friend. After all, I’m still the same person I was before he indulged in his betrayal. I’m happy with who I am and my life.

At this point, I just need to remind myself that we have no real control over other peoples’ actions.  Remaining secure in my own worth is far better than looking over my shoulder at “what if’s”.  So I’m working on it…S appears to be fully engaged in working to make us stronger, which is comforting.

Now I just need to find a roll of strong duct tape to silence that annoying voice, and hand over the laptop.

How do you know that it won’t happen again? Is it a case of “once a cheater, always a cheater”?

Do I need to be hyper-vigilant and analyze every nuance or conversation? I’d prefer not to, as it’s an expenditure of energy that’s based on fear. After all, I’m not the one who made the error in judgement.

What degree of trust is earned back, and when? How does one know when “all is right with the world” again?

How much of his sweet talk can I actually believe when he tells me I’m the only one for him? After all, I’d heard it before especially when he proposed to me – then he sent her emails filled with words of longing for her. It still hurts.

Then there’s the feeling of being an idiot…placing trust in someone who didn’t respect it. But then again, I refuse to go through the rest of my life bitter and closed off due to fear of more pain. I’d rather just move on than to remain with someone that needs to be policed.

And truth be told, I’m scared now. Scared to commit to someone who doesn’t share that same commitment.

What I do want is to have a partner who is worthy. Who appreciates what he’s been given and treasures it as much as I do. Is it so much to ask?

In our day-to-day lives, we tend to overlook the gifts we have and our gaze shifts to what else is out there. My daily routine is to experience a minimum of 5 minutes of gratitude at the start of each day. In this manner, I’m better able to see what’s directly in front of me and view it as a blessing.

It’s too bad that it’s not adopted as a universal practice. There’d be a lot fewer indiscretions, or ego-centered “reasons” to disregard what is freely given to us.

I’m not sure what my lesson to learn from this is, but hopefully it’s not that I should become jaded or suspicious. If so, then I’ve worked too hard to remain open for no reason.

So it is what it is and we can’t change history.

There are a few questions I need to ask myself though. If I were to ask S, his answers would be what I want to hear but at this point in time, I have to go on my gut instinct rather than relying on “words” from others.

Here are some of my beliefs, which factor into any actions taken from this point onward…

I believe S to be a basically good man. When I first met him, I was struck by how he’d gone through so much and come out a better person. That initial impression may have been naïve, but I’m hoping it still holds true. His communication with the former lover was an extension from a former life…one which was fraught with indecision and conflict. He has the choice now to cut that portion free and live openly and honestly. I will only be in a relationship that holds clarity beyond “normal”. I strive to remain open and honest with my partner, and expect the same in return.

I fully accept S with all his quirks and fetishes. Now he has a relationship where it’s really okay to be himself. If that isn’t enough for him, then he needs to admit that he craves drama and secrecy.

And damn…I’m a pretty good catch physically, mentally and spiritually. If S wants to toss aside the chance to have me on his arm, so be it.

From here on out, I won’t tolerate any more missteps or deceptions of this nature. That’s the bottom line. Though I don’t expect perfection, I do expect S to be a faithful guardian of the relationship and to hold it sacred. If he can’t do so willingly, then I need to move on.

In the past, I had a marriage which appeared to be perfection from the outside. But the ex-husband only kept up the appearance of being a devoted partner and husband. His addictions and selfish interests took over and the kids and I slowly lost ground on his priority list. He regrets it now, but only after I was too exhausted to keep working at it. That’s not gonna happen again…

S would like me to be his sexual slave again, but it’s still been too short of a time from his indiscretion. He realizes that I was able to do so because I trusted him implicitly. Am not quite ready to hand over those reins especially as he hasn’t earned the right to them.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

On a positive note, we had a good weekend at a B&B a few hours away. We’re rebuilding, and I can only hope that it’s not a mistake on my part.

We had a wonderful tropical vacation, and Master S proposed to me. Happy happy happy. I was thrilled, to say the least.

When we got back, I proceeded to let friends and family know, even put it on my FB page and the response was very good. Master S was a bit slower to let people know, but hey…he’s a guy!

So life continues for a short time, and it’s all good until….

One afternoon, I sit down at my laptop which Master used to check his email. He left his email icon open and I got snoopy (of which I’m ashamed). But in the bigger picture, I’m glad I did.

I opened up a recent email that came from his former lover who’s now living in New York. She started out with, “Hi baby” and then goes on to let Master S know that he’s a much better lover than her husband. She references making love to him, orgasms, his strong hands,  and ends up with “missing you, big hug and a French kiss”.  (from here on out, I’m referring to Master as only “S” as he’s no longer my master)

My heart was pounding and I wanted to run, but I forced myself to read S’s communications with her. Needless to say, they weren’t platonic in nature.  Rather, he talked about how he missed her as well and what a great beauty and fantastic lover she was…never once letting her know that we were engaged. Instead, he was telling her that his life was so settled it was “almost boring”. (?!?!?)

The kick in the gut that felt especially hard was an email from him sent to her the day AFTER we arrived home from our romantic vacation. He sounded as if we were nothing special. But hey, his former lover was front and center in his thoughts.

I was shaking all over. Didn’t know what to do, but I did have enough presence of mind to print up those emails so he couldn’t destroy the evidence. I realize there are more emails as well, but I was too distraught to look for those.

The scene that followed consisted of me screaming at him, which is totally uncharacteristic for me. S was at first resisting the fact, but stopped when I started reading excerpts…along with all the “miss you’s” and “I’m thinking of you and it’s getting me hard”, etc…

The trust I had in giving myself entirely to him was based on a lie. Why would I have given myself so completely – as a slave? I felt like a fool, an idiot that he took advantage of. It apparently was a game to him and the gift of trust wasn’t honored.

I couldn’t eat for a week, deciding whether or not it was worth salvaging this relationship. After some soul-searching, I decided it may be worth repairing. So far, it’s been ok. I still feel as if I can’t give myself completely to S as I did in the past due to his betrayal. I also see signs that he’s not completely signed on either, such as not telling others that he’d proposed to me.  When I brought it up to him, he said that he’s “a private person”.  Yeah…private my ass. For all I know, he just wants to keep the door open for future scores. After all, he fooled me pretty good the first time.

What I know is that S needs to be diligent if he wants to keep me – a very good thing in his life. If he’d rather chase after women who are f***ed-up and provide them with an escape, that’s up to him. I’m not playing that game. He had it all, and he chose to gamble instead.

All this chaos happened about a month ago.

This morning, S asked me if I’d like to be his sexual slave again. As I personally need a great deal of trust for that to happen – and knowing that he hasn’t proven worthy of it – I’ll be declining the offer.

Just wanted to let you know of what’s happening around here. Life goes on….

Master S clearly enjoys the pain sensation. Though He does get some pleasure from inflicting me with the sensation, it’s not as satisfying for Him. We’ve played around with it enough to know that He desires to be the one receiving the pain. He’s experienced it in the past at the hands of others, but never has incorporated it into a stable, committed relationship. Here’s where the shift of dynamics comes into play…

After having been on the receiving end and experiencing it myself, I have a firmer understanding of how it feels, how much is enough and which techniques produce certain results. It’s only by having this first-hand knowledge that I now feel I can start utilizing Master’s body in the way He wants.

Whether it’s using a cane to strike his cock, or gentle abrading techniques on his genital area, or even employing clips and clamps wherever my fancy leads.

But by doing so, He’s handing over the physical control to me. I’m directing Him now on that level – and to be quite honest – it feels good. At the same time, I guarantee that my needs are filled and am able to spot the times he’s “controlling from the bottom” (which He’s quite good at).  Though He is disappointed when I do things a bit differently at times, He realizes it’s part of His role now to be accepting. It’s good practice for Him indeed.

Yes, I realize I’m still using a capital “H” for Him and His, etc.  It’s a sign of my respect as well as acknowledgement that the full transfer of power over to me hasn’t been made at this time.

So we’ll be continuing our journey in a fluid manner, forming this relationship to meet our own unique needs rather than following a “D/s Handbook” of thou’s and thou shalt not’s.

This is still our story…and it’s ever-evolving.

The countdown to Cancun is on. i’m packing our things as Master is out of town for a few days. i do miss Him already, but that’ll make meeting back up with Him that much more special.

i stayed behind from this business trip in order to spend one-on-one time with the teen, so that she doesn’t feel neglected during our absence.

Tonight, i wanted to lay out a few thoughts on Master’s hold on me.

We all know that D/s is a power exchange. Note: i said “exchange”, not something that can be taken forcibly.  There are times when Master will voice His concern over the occasions when He allows me some “downtime” –   away from the demands and energy required for D/s.

The fact is, i consider His allowances to be well-balanced. The past 2 weeks have been draining on both of us. Due to His lighter touch on the reins (figuratively speaking) i’ve been able to maintain better composure.

If He hadn’t been so inclined, i wouldn’t feel as if i could lean on Him during times of stress.  As it stands, He placed “us” above all else.

For me, this exemplifies the meaning of…

Authentic Power.

There’s a subtlety that exudes from authentic Dominants. There’s no sense of desperation, or fear that someone won’t do as they say. It just happens.

If i may offer another quote…

“He who controls others may be powerful, but He who has mastered himself is mightier still” – Lao Tzu

Innate. Never announced. Not boastful. Qualities of a true Dom.

i feel it when we enter a public place and he’s walking behind me – there’s no question who i belong to.

i feel it when other men’s eyes are on me, and He is quietly taking note of the admiration.

i feel it…just feel it.

Now if i can continue to make Master proud of His slave, we’ll be like a fine wine, only getting better with age.

i wimped out on posting this at first, but then felt as if i were betraying Master by not doing so. He wants to know all of how i’m thinking and feeling, even when it isn’t pretty…

******

So it hasn’t been a great week. The nipple piercing infected my left breast. i certainly don’t feel very attractive or desirable. Not to mention the antibiotics make me nauseous and give me diarrhea. So it’s a bit of a low-energy period, not typical for me.

And it shows.

Last night, Master and i were laying in bed. i have to sleep w/a bra as the weight of the mass inside the breast becomes painful if not supported. i mentioned that it must be similar to the time when His balls were weighted down by His ex who we’ll just call “Louise”.

He said it perhaps does. Then i asked Him how long of a period she would have Him remain that way. He replied that sometimes it was overnight. i asked how He managed to sleep, then He said that He could get out of it if He untied He hands. But then Louise would get angry if He did so.

i brushed His cock with my hand and it was hard. And it wasn’t from my doing.

This prompted a few anxious thoughts…

Does Master enjoy the mere thought of CBT, or does He miss having an angry woman administer it?

Is it a thrill to be at the mercy of a vengeful woman?

Or does He miss the sexual dynamics between Him and Louise?

i had a restless night, knowing that my current emotional state may be playing into this.

Which leads to the fact that we haven’t done a lot of D/s stuff this week. Master is patient, but i can feel His frustration even though he’s trying hard not to show it. He’s wondering, “Is this what it’s going to be like from now on? Vanilla days…vanilla sex?”

The topic of Louise made His cock hard. The conversation had an obvious effect on Him.

But i’m not about “angry sex” which i realize could be a negative for those who prefer it.

My own personality is fairly consistent. i’m energetic without running hot and cold, and have worked hard to maintain balance. Diving into the depths of consistent anger or vengeance (i.e. drama) isn’t a place i want to go. Sadly, too many people live with that type of negative energy.

But it makes Master hard. Believe me, i’m under no illusions about my current physical state prompting His fantasies.

This morning, after i sucked on His cock to fully erect it, i placed 3 clothespins on the shaft (just because i know He enjoys it). Fed the cats, got Master’s shower running and came back to get Him. His cock was still hard.

He must’ve been missing that type of sensation. Otherwise, i would’ve come back to a rather limp member.

Before He left for work, He had me place 20 clothespins on my pussy. It was tough to endure for the 5 or so minutes they were on, but i did it. It pleases Him.

Back to the issue – i may need to look into role-playing a full-out, scary bitch. i could perhaps do that once i get back to a more normal state. If anyone has tips or recommended resources  on how to best do that, please let me know.

P.S.  (Master has given me full permission to use S&M on Him at any time as a way to incorporate His own inclinations in that area)

Master does enjoy the occasional switch, and truly enjoys making me happy. There are moments when i catch a slight smile on His typically stoic face when He takes note of my joy.

When waiting for the biopsy results, Master told me i could remove the collar as He intended to serve me for a while. i appreciate the gesture, but feel that i could still serve Him even if it’s in a temporarily limited capacity. After further conversation, He divulged a desire to serve me – not due to a need for kink, but rather in a love-based (but still kinky) manner.

This has changed from the past, where His attraction to the sub role was based on sexual kink. He now senses that it comes from a deeper emotion – and feels we can refine the D/s aspect to reflect this.

Make no mistake about it. He’s still Master. But at times now, i may subject Him to various forms of ‘sensation”. i need not ask His permission, but if i believe it’d be an enhancement to an experience, i’m free to explore those venues.

This will be different than times with Master in the past when it was little more than assuming a role, or simply a means for Him to get an experience. The difference is that now i understand so much more.

i understand how various implements feel. How the cane hurts so much more when landing on a previous strike area. How to apply clothespins to the genital area so the pain isn’t excruciating right from the start, and thus more bearable for a longer period of time.

i fully understand the force of a spanking done for fun, and that which is done for punishment. And that a turn of events can happen in an instant.

i understand the intellectual hurdles to overcome in order to become comfortable in the D/s roles, and the courage it takes to remain true, open and honest about it.

i understand the tricks our minds play when we’re tied up and blindfolded, left at someone else’s mercy. How important it is to deliver what is promised, as well as when it’s best to consider leniency.

i understand that there’s an energy exchange when it’s done right. There’s a line that’s crossed when it stops being kinky and arousing, and starts to become a test of endurance.

Master is now allowing me freedom to serve Him in a different manner…turning the tables on Him every now and then without forgetting that He is Master. i appreciate the opportunity to enjoy these experiences which He so richly desires.

Tis a fortunate slave who can serve her Master completely.

Last week, my left breast started to swell. Though having bigger breasts wouldn’t be a bad thing, having just one that’s bigger isn’t all that appealing. So i went to the doctor….who put me on a round of antibiotics. i figured that would be the end of the story, but it wasn’t.

Things didn’t improve and we began noticing “hard” spots in a short amount of time. Not good. So a few more tests and a biopsy was done. For most of us, “biopsy” is synonymous with the “C” word. We’d have to wait for the test results.

Master S was wonderful through this whole process. This situation is a true test of character. He let me know that He’s here for the long haul, even though we have no binding or legal commitment to each other. i didn’t think i could love Him more than i already do, but His depth brought us even closer.

“It doesn’t matter how this all turns out, we’re in it together.” These words and His actions mean more than any flowers or diamonds ever could. When i’m with Master, i know someone has my back.

So we waited for the phone to ring with the news, whatever it may be.

Today we found out. Apparently there’s an abscess – quite a large one – which requires surgery. i feel  fortunate as this could have been so much worse….and that i have Master S by my side.

He assured me that no matter how it turns out – if there’s any scarring or disfiguring – that He’s here for me. And it’s perhaps a good thing that he’s not a “boob man”.  J

So anyway, we’re meeting with the surgeon tomorrow. Surgery will likely be scheduled Thursday or Friday due to the rapid progression of this thing.

Again, i’m blessed to have Master with me. He’s been presented with a scary set of circumstances…and showed integrity and commitment.

More updates later.