Entries Tagged 'Sub’s Journal' ↓

Okay, putting the topic of sex aside for right now…(don’t worry, there’ll be plenty more of that later!)  Here’s just a snapshot of my afternoon.

Part of my slave duties includes making sure Master is presented in an impeccable manner. i wash his body in the mornings, shave Him, apply His deodorant and ensure that even his neckline is trimmed and never shaggy. Those are just a few things.

Another section of my responsibilities lies in His wardrobe, so today i’m ironing a week’s worth of shirts for Him to wear to the office. When i first began doing this, i’d iron a single shirt at a time but have managed to come up with a system to make it easier on me as well as allow for more flexibility as the occasion necessitates.

When hanging shirts up after they’ve been washed, i like to make sure they’re all facing the same direction. Then i button only the second button from the top and place them on the hanger that way. This is an easy way to identify which ones are  

Then i choose five shirts from his selection – making sure there’s a variety of colors – then bring them to the ironing area. When i pull shirts from the walk-in closet, i can quickly differentiate which ones haven’t been ironed due to my own little cataloging system. i place the ironed shirts on the left side of that particular section of the closet.

After i’ve ironed the five shirts, the top two buttons get buttoned in order to keep the neckline straight and prevent that little “floppy fold” that happens. Y’all know what i mean by that!  

In this manner, i can quickly identify which shirts have been ironed, and which ones are next in rotation. It’s not rocket science, but just one of those simple time-saving techniques I’ve developed. So if anyone else out there has domestic duties, this just might help!

Today, Master S instituted a “perfect room” day. That means that whatever room He picks needs to be cleaned in a perfect manner by the time He gets home from work. As my behind still bears witness to the hairbrush from last night, i wasn’t eager to do a less-than-spectacular job on the cleaning.

Today He chose the living room/dining room as the perfect room. <sigh> There’s heavy furniture to move in this space, but i knew there’d better not be lack of effort on my part.

So i handled my business calls in the morning, then set out to complete the task at hand. Walls were scrubbed, light fixtures cleaned, chairs moved, a heavy wooden chest was dragged away from its usual resting spot, the dining room table was hauled off the heavy oriental rug as well (the rug was taken outside and shaken out). Of course, vacuuming and dusting were included. I was a bit concerned when 4:00 arrived.

i still had to make a picture-perfect dinner, get showered and groom myself to be presentable for Master when He walked in the door. As it was, i wasn’t able to work out due to the duties of the day. i would’ve liked to have done so, but will have to face James, my trainer, tomorrow.

Anyway, i fretted most of the day as to where Master might find a stray speck of dust. Nothing escaped my efforts as far as i could tell. The threat of punishment is a motivator for me, though i’d be positively motivated just by Master requesting the task to be done to perfection. A nod of His head and a word of appreciation is always appreciated.

Master walked in the door and i was in the proper greeting position – kneeling, forehead on the floor, arms in front and wrists crossed, fingers straight in a pleasing manner. My knees were spread far enough apart to allow my feet to touch each other at the big toes, arches nicely displayed.

i thought Master would start His inspection immediately upon arrival, but He allowed me to get up and asked if i thought i’d done a good job. Meanwhile, the roast and potatoes were filling the house with a mouth-watering aroma. i told him that i’d worked hard to get it as near perfection as i could. He asked if there were any areas He should inspect…i couldn’t think of any that didn’t get my attention.

He surprised me by saying then that was good enough for Him. i was filled with a sense of relief, not wishing to replay similar sensations as i experienced last night. It took a few minutes for me to relax but we soon settled into just being with each other.

Master S really doesn’t have to worry about my stepping out of line on purpose just to get punished. In fact, it’s a motivator for me to remain on task just so i won’t have to undergo the experience more than necessary. Perhaps that makes His job easier but I know that He wouldn’t mind it if i liked a bit of pain every now and then.

There’s a distinction to be made between a “natural” sub and one that gets off only on the sexual side of it. Many discussions with Master S have led to the conclusion that people who view the sub role as sexual fantasy will not be able to sustain a 24/7 lifestyle. For them the occasional scene is more to their liking. Then they can dust themselves off and go about their lives as they so choose afterwards.

At times, in an attempt to live their fantasies 24/7, some force themselves to take on a continuous sub role that’s not a natural fit, such as Master S did. It serves to create resentment if done with the pretense of making it into a lifestyle. This is a BIG point to take to heart. 

You see, Master S has had sub fantasies (more in the past than the present time). When he would carry out an order while in the sub role, he’d chafe at doing so. He didn’t find joy in carrying out the task, but rather viewed it as something to be endured.  It was always easier for him when he was sexually stimulated, but sexual energy can’t be sustained every minute of every day. After a while, resentment would grow and I can just imagine how irritated he’d get. Not to mention the things he’d try to do in order to be caught and punished for that sexual turn-on.

When we were initially talking about his being my sub, i realized it would feel like work for both of us. i’d constantly need to check up on him just to make sure he wasn’t committing any felonies. i’d end up being his jailer without much time for relaxation or enjoyment of “us”.

This situation doesn’t bode well for a relationship where the participants are thinking long-term. How long can someone internalize their resentment and potential anger before it seeps out the cracks? Not remaining true to your innate nature is bound to create division within yourself, and then it flows outward from there, affecting all those involved. Though it may look good on paper (or in your dreams), it doesn’t work in an ongoing committed relationship…or at least a happy one.

Whereas, someone who’s naturally submissive seeks to serve. By no means should this be interpreted as saying a sub is a doormat. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The Tao admonishes, “Be like water”. Our strength is in yielding…a sustaining, consistent force for those we serve. A Dom’s strength is their ability to exert mindful direction, yet it’s up to the sub whether or not to obey. With that awareness, we need each other. The universal yin and yang.

i consider my service to Master as a joy. Knowing this one simple fact tells me that yes, i am a “natural”submissive.

i’m signing over my possessions to Master to complete His ownership of me. This has given rise to much thought of the concept of ownership, as in my attachment to “things”. In our last moments of life, do we really value the “things” we have? Not that i know of!

As with most people, i’ve come to identify with some of my possessions. Handing them over – though painful – is a great spiritual practice. While this doesn’t automatically free my ego from finding other things to identify with, it’s a start. Certainly, i don’t purport myself to be “holier than thou” merely by renouncing my material possessions. That in itself would be feeding the ego in an unhealthy manner.

When one thinks about it, having ownership is an abstract concept. “I have, therefore I am. The more I have, the more I am.” It all comes down to our preoccupation with how we’re seen by others. We use how others view us as a mirror to our own value. It’s a collective delusion and certainly embedded within us from an early age.

My goal is to recognize when i’m seeking self-identity in things or even labels (such as “slave”).  Becoming upset or anxious means that i have attachment to those things or situations.

Eckhart Tolle says, “When we think ‘I don’t have enough yet’, what we’re really saying is ‘I am not enough yet”. The ego is seeking validity and a sense of permanence to make itself special. Our egos want us to think that “having” is a way to fulfillment. Don’t get me wrong, having ego is the catalyst to people doing purposeful things with their lives…but noticing when it gets in the way is a mindful practice.

i’m choosing to view the transition of signing over my material possessions to Master as a path to inner growth. It’s walking without the illusion of a safety net…a clear realization that all things change or dissolve over time. As uncomfortable as it is, my dependence on Master will increase by this single act. It’s letting go of the balance pole with which one walks the tightrope. i have to trust not only in Master, but in the spirit that guides me.

Satisfaction needs to come from a source within. As the saying goes, we are spirits having a human experience, not humans having a spiritual experience.

Though Master has a sadistic side, I met someone today who made me want to run to the safety of Master’s strong arms. This young man named James was smiling, but had a glint which hinted of future tortures. Master had graciously agreed to my request to procure James’ training services. After 5 minutes though, I was regretting my decision to hand over money for the experience.

First, James got me moving so he could evaluate my performance. After a while, he put me through some rigorous movements which left me gasping for air. He briskly informed me I’d be given breaks of 15 seconds only. During that time, I was to regain composure or perhaps gulp down some water. The predetermined time of 30 minutes had seemed minimal at first, but now it felt like an eternity.

James had me on the floor, my abs and arm muscles were screaming from the strain. Again and again, I had to perform tasks destined to leave my body aching for days. Leg and butt muscles were punished much more severely than Master had ever done so, even with the hairbrush or whip.

My thoughts strayed to my beautiful Master…my rock. It was with appreciation that I realized Master would challenge me, but always provided a soft place to land afterwards. It wasn’t to be the same with James. He was taking way too much pleasure in my discomfort.

Still, at the end of our session, I booked regular sessions with James. After all, if a sadistic personal-trainer-from-hell can’t get me in tip-top shape for the trip to Cancun with Master, than nobody else can!

Outside my window…will need to find sunshine in other parts of my day apparently, as the weather is foggy and gray.

My thoughts…i’m looking forward to meditating today. The feeling of being unsettled is usually caused by not grounding myself properly.

Today’s quote…”Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.”   – Winnie the Pooh  

I am thankful for…beautiful opportunities which are opening up on many levels. Master’s consideration of keeping us solid as a couple.

This week…i’m focusing on organization and cleaning. Events of the past week have dictated other priorities. Time to get back to it.

I’m wearing…nothing at this time per Master’s orders.

I’m listening to…Master’s original compositions. i so love it when he plays the piano. It’s a gift to be in the midst of that creative energy.

Master phones “We’re going out tonight. Wear a dress with no underwear or bra.” It’s cold outside, but i know it’s one of his favorite ways for me to be dressed. So i slipped on a tank top and a nice red sweater. Then a skirt and some boots.

He gets home, takes a look and says, “I want you in a 1-piece dress”.   i’m not happy, but i start digging around for a suitable dress. Master directs me to a certain dress which is sleeveless. i’m growing upset. If we’re going out, then i’ll look like an idiot in a sleeveless dress, no bra, and pale legs. But this is part of my servitude.

i request to wear a bra for this particular dress as it’s form-fitting. He allows it but only after stating that it’s only because i’ll feel better about it.

Then He instructs me to wear sandals! Talk about a fashion no-no. i start to get pissed but rummage around looking for a pair of brown sandals to wear. i find only 1 sandal and look for the missing mate. My attitude takes a turn for the worse and i mutter things under my breath.

Master tells me to improve my attitude. i agree to do so, but my jaw is clenched and i’m resistant. He tells me to put on a pair of high heels rather than sandals as i can’t locate a complete pair.

Have to admit, i’m looking pretty good in the dress, heels, a shawl and a long coat.

My cold has been getting worse throughout the day so i take some cold medicine before we go. i grab two gelcaps and gulp them down. Crap…i took Nyquil instead of Dayquil. Fuck! Medication works well for me. Sometimes too well.  Too late to do anything about it now.

Then we leave. He doesn’t tell me where we’re going. When we pull off the highway onto an exit where the seedier side of town is, my fears start to kick in. i get quiet…real quiet.

Master has been talking about my getting some piercings as his “mark” on me. He wants both nipples and a genital piercing. When i ask, He does confirm this is where we’re going. i’m not sure i’m ready for this.

The shop we pull up to has quite a few cars outside…a good sign. We walk inside and there are other people meandering around the waiting area. We stick out like sore thumbs – well dressed and quite a bit older than the other customers. i’m resigned to seeing this through.

Josh – the piercer – takes us to one of the back rooms. He’s a short kid who only comes up to my collarbone. Master discusses with him what He wants. i try not to panic.  Josh tells me that i’m looking pretty calm. i don’t bring up the Nyquil.

i have to strip down naked except for my high heels. He stands in front of me, eye-level with my breasts, and remarks, “Nice!” If the circumstances were different, i’d perhaps be pleased but there’s no appreciation at this moment, just a feeling of dread.  He takes a pen and marks both sides of the nipples. All the while, he and Master are discussing what type of jewelry to put there.  i’m not brought into the conversation. i think Josh knows what’s going on.

i’m directed to lay down on the table. i do, feeling self-conscious. For Josh, it appears to be no big deal. Master stands by my head and holds my hand. i’m grateful for that. He has a pleased look in His eye and i know he enjoys showing me off in this manner.

Josh says, “Take a deep breath.” i do and then BAM!  i let out a yelp. It frickin’ hurts!!! The pain is almost unbearable. i mean, i’ve handled painful situations such as childbirth before but this is something people do voluntarily? Holy crap.

i look down and there appears to be a nail with a cork on the end driven through my nipple. Apparently the ring isn’t immediately inserted as it’s a 2-step process. Then he preps the second nipple. He promises that the first one is always the worst. We all know he’s lying.

The second nipple gets pierced. i’m squeezing Master’s hand…hard.

Before the pain recedes, Josh removes the nail and inserts the ring. It’s just as bad as the initial sensation. i want to jump out and run – even naked. At this point, i don’t care about modesty. Then Josh tells me that he’s never had someone as loud as me before. i don’t believe him in the least. He didn’t do anything to even numb the area first. Asshole…

He finishes and i don’t bother to look down as i’m still dealing with the pain. Blood, guts, or even pain for that matter – i’m not a fan.  He asks Master for his opinion and they agree it looks good.

Then they start poking around my lower anatomy in a clinical manner until a decision on where to pierce and what to place there has been reached.

He starts the process. i can barely tolerate it but he eventually gets the job done. The pain is still very present. i open my eyes and look down. There’s blood running out of my left nipple. The right one is dripping, but not nearly as much. Also, the genital piercing is also producing blood. i hadn’t realized it but my body is shaking perhaps from shock and also because i haven’t eaten anything since lunch.

Josh shows Master how to get the rings in and out. Apparently some pliers are necessary in order to do this. Yeah, i can picture going into Home Depot looking for tools to disengage the hardware. “Aisle 7 – right next to the wire cutters.” Uh huh.

Josh leaves the room in order for us to get cleaned up. Master grabs some paper towels and blots up the blood. At this point, i’m really glad i took the Nyquil.

I’m 48 years old and getting body piercings? That’ll give the future nursing homes something to talk about at least.

Master helps me to get cleaned up. Blood has run onto my arm, stomach, into my butt crack and onto the table. i work to control my shaking. Energy level has bottomed out and i’m far from perky. i need food. Fast.

Josh takes us up front and gives directions on keeping the areas clean. He says he thinks we’re cool. i just want to get out of there, especially after i see one of the customers take out her cell phone. The thought flashes through my mind that she’s using it to take pictures of us. I positioned myself out of her line of sight…just in case. The last thing i want is to have photos posted on the internet. “Old People Getting Piercings”

We leave the shop and find a good restaurant. The Nyquil and shock have combined to make me lethargic and perhaps a bit ill-tempered.

The meal was good, even if i had to work to keep my head up. On the way home, Master allows me to lean the seat back and close my eyes. The pinching sensations don’t go away, but they’re manageable. When we get home, i carefully took the bra off (ouch) and was somewhat horrified to see the amount of blood gathered on the left side. i’d figured it would be like ear-piercing, but apparently not.

Now a week later, i’m happy i got the piercings. It was an experience and it also pleases Master.

First, i’d like to thank luna for her words on dealing with pain. You see, i’m not a pain-junkie. i don’t crave it, nor particularly enjoy it all that much. But Master S does…and that’s where the struggle comes in.

If i don’t like pain, then why endure it? Why would i continue to be in a lifestyle where my body would be used in that manner? Master S kept asking me to figure it out. It was perplexing to him as well, but now i’ve come to terms with the reasons.

As luna said, if we’re not hard-wired to enjoy pain, then we can learn to find peace and joy in handling what our Masters serve up to us. THIS is the answer, and it feels right. Being of a submissive nature, i want to please. This is yet another way for me to take pride in serving.

It’s not about being a martyr or victim. It’s about providing service for the man i adore. Plain and simple.

Would love to hear thoughts on this topic from other subs. (hard-wired or not)

Giving up of self and ego – that’s the spiritual path for submissives. Much time has been spent in this realm of thought, and i believe that’s where we have the opportunity to make the greatest gains. There are times when i still just want to blurt out my own opinions or thoughts, but i’m getting better at examining the times to do so. Master enjoys the banter and doesn’t inhibit me from sharing, but i’ve become much more conscious especially as the use of “Sir” and “Master” forces me to take a look at my verbal patterns.

This awareness is in line with many spiritual teachings (which i’ve crudely encapsulated below):

Eckhart Tolle – Be still and remain present.

Pema Chodron – examine your need to be heard, and laugh at the passing of these thoughts as they flow in and out of our bodies.

Tao –  In order to achieve peace, we have to realize our strength lies in serving. (i love the water verse listed below, and aspire to remind myself of it daily… i recommend Stephen Mitchell’s translations of it.)

Verse 66

“All streams flow to the sea

because it is lower than they are.

Humility gives it its power.

If you want to govern the people,

you must place yourself below them.

If you want to lead the people,

you must learn how to follow them.

The Master is above the people,

and no one feels oppressed.

She goes ahead of the people,

and no one feels manipulated.

The whole world is grateful to her

because she competes with no one

so no one can compete with her.”

Also found within the above verse is the insight that a “good” Master doesn’t make others feel oppressed. i have to admit that i don’t feel oppressed by Master S, but rather take pleasure in His leading.

It’s a precious time in life – while the daily chores and expectations are demanding, it all seems worth it when we sit down to dinner.

Per Master’s instruction, i am to prepare the evening meal with attention to detail. This means setting the table in an attractive manner, nice place settings, and visual presentations of the food. What’s happened is that it’s been an effective tool to create a lingering at the table. Even our teenage daughter likes to sit down and chat for a while – i’m grateful for this time as she’ll be leaving for college next fall. (she’s unaware of our peculiarities)

So while a BDSM lifestyle to an outsider can seem filled with pain and torture, the reality is that it forces me to focus on things such as this. To be perfectly honest, without this imposed structure and discipline i’m a rather scattered person. Over the years i’ve learned to rein it in and stick to a working schedule but when it comes to household duties or chores…i’d give them an effort but nothing too major.

What i’m finding is that by keeping Master S’s wishes in the foreground, i’m becoming a much more efficient individual. He’s fair and mindful, which is the reason i’ve embarked on this journey anyway. If He was a typical male (egoic) then it’d be a fight to the finish. As it is, i’m becoming more and more comfortable bending to His will.

Time for dinner…gotta run!