Every woman wants a hero – that guy who’s going to jump right into the fray, help keep her secure and safe. Is that just an unrealistic dream or can it actually happen?

In retrospect, I felt S was my hero…even with flaws and imperfections. I guess that’s the toughest thing for me to reconcile, the loss of feeling that he’d do the right thing, even when it was difficult.  I felt he’d make decisions based on keeping our relationship in the highest regard. <sigh> .

There was nothing “wrong” between us. In fact, it was pretty damned good. Great sex, intriguing conversations, hot chemistry which only continued to grow. Which causes me to wonder why he did it.

When it comes right down to it, I probably don’t need a hero. Just a man who has his priorities straight and appreciates what’s right in front of him. After this experience, S may step up and be that man.  That would be all the hero I need or want.

I hate it – the nagging little voice that pops up at inopportune times. The voice that feeds off even the slightest hint of insecurity. I recognize it as a shadow of the past, but I still hate it.

For example, S is going out of town and has asked to take the laptop with him. Normally, no biggie. But that voice spoke up and said, “hmmm…a laptop plus free time in the evening?”

I certainly don’t want to be his parole officer. I just want to know – without a doubt – that he’s prepared to make good decisions, keeping “us” in mind. I’ve heard him speak about how he’s ready to do so and I believe him, but that damned little voice is dredging up insecurity.

But I’m going to continue living a life where it’s better to give than to hold back. I love him and consider him my best friend. After all, I’m still the same person I was before he indulged in his betrayal. I’m happy with who I am and my life.

At this point, I just need to remind myself that we have no real control over other peoples’ actions.  Remaining secure in my own worth is far better than looking over my shoulder at “what if’s”.  So I’m working on it…S appears to be fully engaged in working to make us stronger, which is comforting.

Now I just need to find a roll of strong duct tape to silence that annoying voice, and hand over the laptop.