Getting back to trust

As I’m working through the emotions and shifting landscape caused by S’s indiscretion, I find myself facing questions that countless others before me have dealt with, like…

How do you know that it won’t happen again? Is it a case of “once a cheater, always a cheater”?

Do I need to be hyper-vigilant and analyze every nuance or conversation? I’d prefer not to, as it’s an expenditure of energy that’s based on fear. After all, I’m not the one who made the error in judgement.

What degree of trust is earned back, and when? How does one know when “all is right with the world” again?

How much of his sweet talk can I actually believe when he tells me I’m the only one for him? After all, I’d heard it before especially when he proposed to me – then he sent her emails filled with words of longing for her. It still hurts.

Then there’s the feeling of being an idiot…placing trust in someone who didn’t respect it. But then again, I refuse to go through the rest of my life bitter and closed off due to fear of more pain. I’d rather just move on than to remain with someone that needs to be policed.

And truth be told, I’m scared now. Scared to commit to someone who doesn’t share that same commitment.

What I do want is to have a partner who is worthy. Who appreciates what he’s been given and treasures it as much as I do. Is it so much to ask?

In our day-to-day lives, we tend to overlook the gifts we have and our gaze shifts to what else is out there. My daily routine is to experience a minimum of 5 minutes of gratitude at the start of each day. In this manner, I’m better able to see what’s directly in front of me and view it as a blessing.

It’s too bad that it’s not adopted as a universal practice. There’d be a lot fewer indiscretions, or ego-centered “reasons” to disregard what is freely given to us.

I’m not sure what my lesson to learn from this is, but hopefully it’s not that I should become jaded or suspicious. If so, then I’ve worked too hard to remain open for no reason.