Working things out

As noted in my previous post, S made the decision to keep a vicarious online thrill going….until I found out about it. His defense was that “it didn’t mean anything”. I’m still wondering as to why he did it, but can only conclude that neither he nor I may never really know the underlying reasons.

So it is what it is and we can’t change history.

There are a few questions I need to ask myself though. If I were to ask S, his answers would be what I want to hear but at this point in time, I have to go on my gut instinct rather than relying on “words” from others.

Here are some of my beliefs, which factor into any actions taken from this point onward…

I believe S to be a basically good man. When I first met him, I was struck by how he’d gone through so much and come out a better person. That initial impression may have been naïve, but I’m hoping it still holds true. His communication with the former lover was an extension from a former life…one which was fraught with indecision and conflict. He has the choice now to cut that portion free and live openly and honestly. I will only be in a relationship that holds clarity beyond “normal”. I strive to remain open and honest with my partner, and expect the same in return.

I fully accept S with all his quirks and fetishes. Now he has a relationship where it’s really okay to be himself. If that isn’t enough for him, then he needs to admit that he craves drama and secrecy.

And damn…I’m a pretty good catch physically, mentally and spiritually. If S wants to toss aside the chance to have me on his arm, so be it.

From here on out, I won’t tolerate any more missteps or deceptions of this nature. That’s the bottom line. Though I don’t expect perfection, I do expect S to be a faithful guardian of the relationship and to hold it sacred. If he can’t do so willingly, then I need to move on.

In the past, I had a marriage which appeared to be perfection from the outside. But the ex-husband only kept up the appearance of being a devoted partner and husband. His addictions and selfish interests took over and the kids and I slowly lost ground on his priority list. He regrets it now, but only after I was too exhausted to keep working at it. That’s not gonna happen again…

S would like me to be his sexual slave again, but it’s still been too short of a time from his indiscretion. He realizes that I was able to do so because I trusted him implicitly. Am not quite ready to hand over those reins especially as he hasn’t earned the right to them.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

On a positive note, we had a good weekend at a B&B a few hours away. We’re rebuilding, and I can only hope that it’s not a mistake on my part.