a betrayal of trust

Okay, so no one’s heard from us in a while. There’s a good reason for that, but I’ll start near the beginning.

We had a wonderful tropical vacation, and Master S proposed to me. Happy happy happy. I was thrilled, to say the least.

When we got back, I proceeded to let friends and family know, even put it on my FB page and the response was very good. Master S was a bit slower to let people know, but hey…he’s a guy!

So life continues for a short time, and it’s all good until….

One afternoon, I sit down at my laptop which Master used to check his email. He left his email icon open and I got snoopy (of which I’m ashamed). But in the bigger picture, I’m glad I did.

I opened up a recent email that came from his former lover who’s now living in New York. She started out with, “Hi baby” and then goes on to let Master S know that he’s a much better lover than her husband. She references making love to him, orgasms, his strong hands,  and ends up with “missing you, big hug and a French kiss”.  (from here on out, I’m referring to Master as only “S” as he’s no longer my master)

My heart was pounding and I wanted to run, but I forced myself to read S’s communications with her. Needless to say, they weren’t platonic in nature.  Rather, he talked about how he missed her as well and what a great beauty and fantastic lover she was…never once letting her know that we were engaged. Instead, he was telling her that his life was so settled it was “almost boring”. (?!?!?)

The kick in the gut that felt especially hard was an email from him sent to her the day AFTER we arrived home from our romantic vacation. He sounded as if we were nothing special. But hey, his former lover was front and center in his thoughts.

I was shaking all over. Didn’t know what to do, but I did have enough presence of mind to print up those emails so he couldn’t destroy the evidence. I realize there are more emails as well, but I was too distraught to look for those.

The scene that followed consisted of me screaming at him, which is totally uncharacteristic for me. S was at first resisting the fact, but stopped when I started reading excerpts…along with all the “miss you’s” and “I’m thinking of you and it’s getting me hard”, etc…

The trust I had in giving myself entirely to him was based on a lie. Why would I have given myself so completely – as a slave? I felt like a fool, an idiot that he took advantage of. It apparently was a game to him and the gift of trust wasn’t honored.

I couldn’t eat for a week, deciding whether or not it was worth salvaging this relationship. After some soul-searching, I decided it may be worth repairing. So far, it’s been ok. I still feel as if I can’t give myself completely to S as I did in the past due to his betrayal. I also see signs that he’s not completely signed on either, such as not telling others that he’d proposed to me.  When I brought it up to him, he said that he’s “a private person”.  Yeah…private my ass. For all I know, he just wants to keep the door open for future scores. After all, he fooled me pretty good the first time.

What I know is that S needs to be diligent if he wants to keep me – a very good thing in his life. If he’d rather chase after women who are f***ed-up and provide them with an escape, that’s up to him. I’m not playing that game. He had it all, and he chose to gamble instead.

All this chaos happened about a month ago.

This morning, S asked me if I’d like to be his sexual slave again. As I personally need a great deal of trust for that to happen – and knowing that he hasn’t proven worthy of it – I’ll be declining the offer.

Just wanted to let you know of what’s happening around here. Life goes on….