Entries from March 2010 ↓

Every woman wants a hero – that guy who’s going to jump right into the fray, help keep her secure and safe. Is that just an unrealistic dream or can it actually happen?

In retrospect, I felt S was my hero…even with flaws and imperfections. I guess that’s the toughest thing for me to reconcile, the loss of feeling that he’d do the right thing, even when it was difficult.  I felt he’d make decisions based on keeping our relationship in the highest regard. <sigh> .

There was nothing “wrong” between us. In fact, it was pretty damned good. Great sex, intriguing conversations, hot chemistry which only continued to grow. Which causes me to wonder why he did it.

When it comes right down to it, I probably don’t need a hero. Just a man who has his priorities straight and appreciates what’s right in front of him. After this experience, S may step up and be that man.  That would be all the hero I need or want.

I hate it – the nagging little voice that pops up at inopportune times. The voice that feeds off even the slightest hint of insecurity. I recognize it as a shadow of the past, but I still hate it.

For example, S is going out of town and has asked to take the laptop with him. Normally, no biggie. But that voice spoke up and said, “hmmm…a laptop plus free time in the evening?”

I certainly don’t want to be his parole officer. I just want to know – without a doubt – that he’s prepared to make good decisions, keeping “us” in mind. I’ve heard him speak about how he’s ready to do so and I believe him, but that damned little voice is dredging up insecurity.

But I’m going to continue living a life where it’s better to give than to hold back. I love him and consider him my best friend. After all, I’m still the same person I was before he indulged in his betrayal. I’m happy with who I am and my life.

At this point, I just need to remind myself that we have no real control over other peoples’ actions.  Remaining secure in my own worth is far better than looking over my shoulder at “what if’s”.  So I’m working on it…S appears to be fully engaged in working to make us stronger, which is comforting.

Now I just need to find a roll of strong duct tape to silence that annoying voice, and hand over the laptop.

As I’m working through the emotions and shifting landscape caused by S’s indiscretion, I find myself facing questions that countless others before me have dealt with, like…

How do you know that it won’t happen again? Is it a case of “once a cheater, always a cheater”?

Do I need to be hyper-vigilant and analyze every nuance or conversation? I’d prefer not to, as it’s an expenditure of energy that’s based on fear. After all, I’m not the one who made the error in judgement.

What degree of trust is earned back, and when? How does one know when “all is right with the world” again?

How much of his sweet talk can I actually believe when he tells me I’m the only one for him? After all, I’d heard it before especially when he proposed to me – then he sent her emails filled with words of longing for her. It still hurts.

Then there’s the feeling of being an idiot…placing trust in someone who didn’t respect it. But then again, I refuse to go through the rest of my life bitter and closed off due to fear of more pain. I’d rather just move on than to remain with someone that needs to be policed.

And truth be told, I’m scared now. Scared to commit to someone who doesn’t share that same commitment.

What I do want is to have a partner who is worthy. Who appreciates what he’s been given and treasures it as much as I do. Is it so much to ask?

In our day-to-day lives, we tend to overlook the gifts we have and our gaze shifts to what else is out there. My daily routine is to experience a minimum of 5 minutes of gratitude at the start of each day. In this manner, I’m better able to see what’s directly in front of me and view it as a blessing.

It’s too bad that it’s not adopted as a universal practice. There’d be a lot fewer indiscretions, or ego-centered “reasons” to disregard what is freely given to us.

I’m not sure what my lesson to learn from this is, but hopefully it’s not that I should become jaded or suspicious. If so, then I’ve worked too hard to remain open for no reason.

As noted in my previous post, S made the decision to keep a vicarious online thrill going….until I found out about it. His defense was that “it didn’t mean anything”. I’m still wondering as to why he did it, but can only conclude that neither he nor I may never really know the underlying reasons.

So it is what it is and we can’t change history.

There are a few questions I need to ask myself though. If I were to ask S, his answers would be what I want to hear but at this point in time, I have to go on my gut instinct rather than relying on “words” from others.

Here are some of my beliefs, which factor into any actions taken from this point onward…

I believe S to be a basically good man. When I first met him, I was struck by how he’d gone through so much and come out a better person. That initial impression may have been naïve, but I’m hoping it still holds true. His communication with the former lover was an extension from a former life…one which was fraught with indecision and conflict. He has the choice now to cut that portion free and live openly and honestly. I will only be in a relationship that holds clarity beyond “normal”. I strive to remain open and honest with my partner, and expect the same in return.

I fully accept S with all his quirks and fetishes. Now he has a relationship where it’s really okay to be himself. If that isn’t enough for him, then he needs to admit that he craves drama and secrecy.

And damn…I’m a pretty good catch physically, mentally and spiritually. If S wants to toss aside the chance to have me on his arm, so be it.

From here on out, I won’t tolerate any more missteps or deceptions of this nature. That’s the bottom line. Though I don’t expect perfection, I do expect S to be a faithful guardian of the relationship and to hold it sacred. If he can’t do so willingly, then I need to move on.

In the past, I had a marriage which appeared to be perfection from the outside. But the ex-husband only kept up the appearance of being a devoted partner and husband. His addictions and selfish interests took over and the kids and I slowly lost ground on his priority list. He regrets it now, but only after I was too exhausted to keep working at it. That’s not gonna happen again…

S would like me to be his sexual slave again, but it’s still been too short of a time from his indiscretion. He realizes that I was able to do so because I trusted him implicitly. Am not quite ready to hand over those reins especially as he hasn’t earned the right to them.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

On a positive note, we had a good weekend at a B&B a few hours away. We’re rebuilding, and I can only hope that it’s not a mistake on my part.

Okay, so no one’s heard from us in a while. There’s a good reason for that, but I’ll start near the beginning.

We had a wonderful tropical vacation, and Master S proposed to me. Happy happy happy. I was thrilled, to say the least.

When we got back, I proceeded to let friends and family know, even put it on my FB page and the response was very good. Master S was a bit slower to let people know, but hey…he’s a guy!

So life continues for a short time, and it’s all good until….

One afternoon, I sit down at my laptop which Master used to check his email. He left his email icon open and I got snoopy (of which I’m ashamed). But in the bigger picture, I’m glad I did.

I opened up a recent email that came from his former lover who’s now living in New York. She started out with, “Hi baby” and then goes on to let Master S know that he’s a much better lover than her husband. She references making love to him, orgasms, his strong hands,  and ends up with “missing you, big hug and a French kiss”.  (from here on out, I’m referring to Master as only “S” as he’s no longer my master)

My heart was pounding and I wanted to run, but I forced myself to read S’s communications with her. Needless to say, they weren’t platonic in nature.  Rather, he talked about how he missed her as well and what a great beauty and fantastic lover she was…never once letting her know that we were engaged. Instead, he was telling her that his life was so settled it was “almost boring”. (?!?!?)

The kick in the gut that felt especially hard was an email from him sent to her the day AFTER we arrived home from our romantic vacation. He sounded as if we were nothing special. But hey, his former lover was front and center in his thoughts.

I was shaking all over. Didn’t know what to do, but I did have enough presence of mind to print up those emails so he couldn’t destroy the evidence. I realize there are more emails as well, but I was too distraught to look for those.

The scene that followed consisted of me screaming at him, which is totally uncharacteristic for me. S was at first resisting the fact, but stopped when I started reading excerpts…along with all the “miss you’s” and “I’m thinking of you and it’s getting me hard”, etc…

The trust I had in giving myself entirely to him was based on a lie. Why would I have given myself so completely – as a slave? I felt like a fool, an idiot that he took advantage of. It apparently was a game to him and the gift of trust wasn’t honored.

I couldn’t eat for a week, deciding whether or not it was worth salvaging this relationship. After some soul-searching, I decided it may be worth repairing. So far, it’s been ok. I still feel as if I can’t give myself completely to S as I did in the past due to his betrayal. I also see signs that he’s not completely signed on either, such as not telling others that he’d proposed to me.  When I brought it up to him, he said that he’s “a private person”.  Yeah…private my ass. For all I know, he just wants to keep the door open for future scores. After all, he fooled me pretty good the first time.

What I know is that S needs to be diligent if he wants to keep me – a very good thing in his life. If he’d rather chase after women who are f***ed-up and provide them with an escape, that’s up to him. I’m not playing that game. He had it all, and he chose to gamble instead.

All this chaos happened about a month ago.

This morning, S asked me if I’d like to be his sexual slave again. As I personally need a great deal of trust for that to happen – and knowing that he hasn’t proven worthy of it – I’ll be declining the offer.

Just wanted to let you know of what’s happening around here. Life goes on….