Entries from January 2010 ↓

“Power is like being a lady…if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t”. – Margaret Thatcher

The countdown to Cancun is on. i’m packing our things as Master is out of town for a few days. i do miss Him already, but that’ll make meeting back up with Him that much more special.

i stayed behind from this business trip in order to spend one-on-one time with the teen, so that she doesn’t feel neglected during our absence.

Tonight, i wanted to lay out a few thoughts on Master’s hold on me.

We all know that D/s is a power exchange. Note: i said “exchange”, not something that can be taken forcibly.  There are times when Master will voice His concern over the occasions when He allows me some “downtime” –   away from the demands and energy required for D/s.

The fact is, i consider His allowances to be well-balanced. The past 2 weeks have been draining on both of us. Due to His lighter touch on the reins (figuratively speaking) i’ve been able to maintain better composure.

If He hadn’t been so inclined, i wouldn’t feel as if i could lean on Him during times of stress.  As it stands, He placed “us” above all else.

For me, this exemplifies the meaning of…

Authentic Power.

There’s a subtlety that exudes from authentic Dominants. There’s no sense of desperation, or fear that someone won’t do as they say. It just happens.

If i may offer another quote…

“He who controls others may be powerful, but He who has mastered himself is mightier still” – Lao Tzu

Innate. Never announced. Not boastful. Qualities of a true Dom.

i feel it when we enter a public place and he’s walking behind me – there’s no question who i belong to.

i feel it when other men’s eyes are on me, and He is quietly taking note of the admiration.

i feel it…just feel it.

Now if i can continue to make Master proud of His slave, we’ll be like a fine wine, only getting better with age.

i wimped out on posting this at first, but then felt as if i were betraying Master by not doing so. He wants to know all of how i’m thinking and feeling, even when it isn’t pretty…

******

So it hasn’t been a great week. The nipple piercing infected my left breast. i certainly don’t feel very attractive or desirable. Not to mention the antibiotics make me nauseous and give me diarrhea. So it’s a bit of a low-energy period, not typical for me.

And it shows.

Last night, Master and i were laying in bed. i have to sleep w/a bra as the weight of the mass inside the breast becomes painful if not supported. i mentioned that it must be similar to the time when His balls were weighted down by His ex who we’ll just call “Louise”.

He said it perhaps does. Then i asked Him how long of a period she would have Him remain that way. He replied that sometimes it was overnight. i asked how He managed to sleep, then He said that He could get out of it if He untied He hands. But then Louise would get angry if He did so.

i brushed His cock with my hand and it was hard. And it wasn’t from my doing.

This prompted a few anxious thoughts…

Does Master enjoy the mere thought of CBT, or does He miss having an angry woman administer it?

Is it a thrill to be at the mercy of a vengeful woman?

Or does He miss the sexual dynamics between Him and Louise?

i had a restless night, knowing that my current emotional state may be playing into this.

Which leads to the fact that we haven’t done a lot of D/s stuff this week. Master is patient, but i can feel His frustration even though he’s trying hard not to show it. He’s wondering, “Is this what it’s going to be like from now on? Vanilla days…vanilla sex?”

The topic of Louise made His cock hard. The conversation had an obvious effect on Him.

But i’m not about “angry sex” which i realize could be a negative for those who prefer it.

My own personality is fairly consistent. i’m energetic without running hot and cold, and have worked hard to maintain balance. Diving into the depths of consistent anger or vengeance (i.e. drama) isn’t a place i want to go. Sadly, too many people live with that type of negative energy.

But it makes Master hard. Believe me, i’m under no illusions about my current physical state prompting His fantasies.

This morning, after i sucked on His cock to fully erect it, i placed 3 clothespins on the shaft (just because i know He enjoys it). Fed the cats, got Master’s shower running and came back to get Him. His cock was still hard.

He must’ve been missing that type of sensation. Otherwise, i would’ve come back to a rather limp member.

Before He left for work, He had me place 20 clothespins on my pussy. It was tough to endure for the 5 or so minutes they were on, but i did it. It pleases Him.

Back to the issue – i may need to look into role-playing a full-out, scary bitch. i could perhaps do that once i get back to a more normal state. If anyone has tips or recommended resources  on how to best do that, please let me know.

P.S.  (Master has given me full permission to use S&M on Him at any time as a way to incorporate His own inclinations in that area)

With an unexpected health issue arising, the D/s relationship has come under review. This is a time when i may not be able to fully serve Master S in the manner to which He is accustomed. But this also allows Him to step in and serve me.

Master does enjoy the occasional switch, and truly enjoys making me happy. There are moments when i catch a slight smile on His typically stoic face when He takes note of my joy.

When waiting for the biopsy results, Master told me i could remove the collar as He intended to serve me for a while. i appreciate the gesture, but feel that i could still serve Him even if it’s in a temporarily limited capacity. After further conversation, He divulged a desire to serve me – not due to a need for kink, but rather in a love-based (but still kinky) manner.

This has changed from the past, where His attraction to the sub role was based on sexual kink. He now senses that it comes from a deeper emotion – and feels we can refine the D/s aspect to reflect this.

Make no mistake about it. He’s still Master. But at times now, i may subject Him to various forms of ‘sensation”. i need not ask His permission, but if i believe it’d be an enhancement to an experience, i’m free to explore those venues.

This will be different than times with Master in the past when it was little more than assuming a role, or simply a means for Him to get an experience. The difference is that now i understand so much more.

i understand how various implements feel. How the cane hurts so much more when landing on a previous strike area. How to apply clothespins to the genital area so the pain isn’t excruciating right from the start, and thus more bearable for a longer period of time.

i fully understand the force of a spanking done for fun, and that which is done for punishment. And that a turn of events can happen in an instant.

i understand the intellectual hurdles to overcome in order to become comfortable in the D/s roles, and the courage it takes to remain true, open and honest about it.

i understand the tricks our minds play when we’re tied up and blindfolded, left at someone else’s mercy. How important it is to deliver what is promised, as well as when it’s best to consider leniency.

i understand that there’s an energy exchange when it’s done right. There’s a line that’s crossed when it stops being kinky and arousing, and starts to become a test of endurance.

Master is now allowing me freedom to serve Him in a different manner…turning the tables on Him every now and then without forgetting that He is Master. i appreciate the opportunity to enjoy these experiences which He so richly desires.

Tis a fortunate slave who can serve her Master completely.

Okay, a bit of an update on what’s been going on. It’s been pretty quiet on our blog due to a situation which has required a bit of energy.

Last week, my left breast started to swell. Though having bigger breasts wouldn’t be a bad thing, having just one that’s bigger isn’t all that appealing. So i went to the doctor….who put me on a round of antibiotics. i figured that would be the end of the story, but it wasn’t.

Things didn’t improve and we began noticing “hard” spots in a short amount of time. Not good. So a few more tests and a biopsy was done. For most of us, “biopsy” is synonymous with the “C” word. We’d have to wait for the test results.

Master S was wonderful through this whole process. This situation is a true test of character. He let me know that He’s here for the long haul, even though we have no binding or legal commitment to each other. i didn’t think i could love Him more than i already do, but His depth brought us even closer.

“It doesn’t matter how this all turns out, we’re in it together.” These words and His actions mean more than any flowers or diamonds ever could. When i’m with Master, i know someone has my back.

So we waited for the phone to ring with the news, whatever it may be.

Today we found out. Apparently there’s an abscess – quite a large one – which requires surgery. i feel  fortunate as this could have been so much worse….and that i have Master S by my side.

He assured me that no matter how it turns out – if there’s any scarring or disfiguring – that He’s here for me. And it’s perhaps a good thing that he’s not a “boob man”.  J

So anyway, we’re meeting with the surgeon tomorrow. Surgery will likely be scheduled Thursday or Friday due to the rapid progression of this thing.

Again, i’m blessed to have Master with me. He’s been presented with a scary set of circumstances…and showed integrity and commitment.

More updates later.

Okay, so last night i prepared dinner for Master S – “sans Teen” – which allowed me to be completely nude as is His want, even when He’s not home. i waited for Him to arrive and soon i heard His big truck pull up outside the window. i turned on the dinner music, then raced to be in greeting position by the door.

Greeting position: n  def:  On floor with knees spread apart, forehead pressed to floor, nipples touching floor. Big toes on each foot are to be touching each other in a manner which exhibits a graceful arch of the foot. Warning: This requires a good measure of flexibility.

Master opened the door, which allowed the bitter winter air to rush over my bare skin. i uttered a quiet sound of protest. He said, “Hmmm, this is a nice surprise. i expected The Teen to be here tonight!” i informed Master that she was working at her part -time retail job for the evening.

He laid down His gym bag, removed His shoes and went to the bedroom to put on a clean shirt. Returning shortly, He proferred His hand for me to rise.

I must say that rising gracefully from this position is not an easy task. But I’ve since become more adept at doing so, hopefully making it appear almost effortless.

After a lingering kiss, we ate our dinner and caught up on the day’s events. Dinner with Master is always enjoyable and something to look forward to.

On a whim, as i was clearing the dishes from the table, i asked Master to dance with me. i turned the selection to “A Beautiful Mess” by Jason Mraz (who at times can be hopelessly boring, but i love this particular song). And we danced. Oh my, did we dance.

Bodies close. Master’s hands upon my skin. Me holding onto His strong body. Our lips barely left each other’s the entire time. Master has a way of transporting me to another dimension with His presence.

Soon after the song was done, Master sat on the couch and began thumbing through some news articles. i joined Him shortly…and soon He began stroking my pussy. Before i knew it, we were moving to the bedroom.

“Lay down” He commanded. Ohhhh….that voice. The Dom voice was in full effect. i knew i wouldn’t, couldn’t and, really didn’t want to, resist. i turned into a driven sexual mass at that point. F*%& i wanted Him BAD! 

At one point, i was on top. i could tell He had something in mind by the glint in His eyes. “Stop. Go get me the belt quickly!” i jumped off and ran into the closet, made my selection. Ran back and jumped back on top of His erect cock.

He folded the belt in half. i got extremely wet. He reached around my back. “Whack!” Mmmmm….it was just the right intensity. He gauged my reaction then administered a few more before switching hands.

He gave me a few more solid whacks and they were perfect. Not too hard and not too soft. Enough to make me yelp a bit but not enough to elicit tears.

i wanted to heighten His experience as well….

“Master, would you like to cum on my face?” i saw His eyes widen just for a second then He answered that He would.

Soon He flipped me onto my back, pumping His cock in and out of my pussy with determination. i thought He would cum right then and there, but soon He pulled out and kneeled over me.

Swish – i saw a jet of His fluid shoot right over me and end up on the wall a good 5 feet away! Master S still has game, that’s not to be denied. He lowered His aim and the remaining copious amount ended up on my breasts and stomach. i giggled just at the sight of His overshooting the proposed target. Rubbing His juices onto my skin, i fondled His cock and gave Him some time to take a few deep breaths.

We laughed together at His rambunctiousness. Soon, i cleaned Him off with my tongue as usual (though there wasn’t much left on Him) and made my way to the bathroom to wash off.

It was an absolutely spontaneous evening of serving Master, and in the process, i’d been indulged as well. Even writing about our evening puts a smile on my face and the place in my heart which Master occupies somehow grows even larger…if that’s possible.

Moral of the story: While there are times which require sheer endurance, there are enough of these special moments to make me feel good about serving Master S.

A few musings…

As one who’s taken on the role of “slave” - and i’ve been a difficult one at times -  here are a few reflections…

If a Master decides to take on a sufficient, intelligent sub/slave, then He/She can expect a number of things. A few things that come to mind right now are:

Be prepared for interesting dialogue about the D/s situation. This can be a challenge when one prefers  a sub/slave who can think for themselves.

Subs will take advantage of “loopholes”. This was brought home by silverdreams at http://nakedconfusion.blogspot.com  when she posted a humorous blog on this topic. She sees it as a bit of a game to out-loophole her Master. It had me smiling as i recognized how i’ve done some similar things. (shhh…don’t let Master S know)

Subs will observe a potential Master’s reactions to seemingly ordinary situations…lost baggage…rush hour traffic…minor irritations. If the potential Dom angers easily, then it isn’t safe to allow Him/Her to lead. i can’t put it more bluntly than that.  

Then there will be times we put up a bit of a fuss while following – that resistance rises every now and then. A Master’s firm yet gentle guidance will win us over. It then becomes easier for us to go willingly.

Our training may take a bit longer than it does for “doormat slaves” due to us working it out internally, but once we step through it, we’re fine.

We will test our Masters and Mistresses on many levels…plan on it.  It’s part of the process and we will use these opportunities to take a pulse of the relationship or situation.

We will also test your patience. We’ll throw curveballs. We’ll question the “why’s” and “wherefores” of the existing situation (hopefully in a respectful manner). This is because we don’t consider it do-or-die to be a sub/slave, preferring to make sure the timing and personalities mesh.

We take steps to remain emotionally healthy and appreciate those Doms who value the same.

Sure, we can be a lot of work, but at the end of the day you’re rewarded with a sub/slave who’s an independent thinker, and STILL wants to be by your side…or wherever you want to place us.  

These patient Masters/Mistresses will have a slave who not only serves them well, is a treasured companion, but also has enough spunk to keep things interesting, challenging and fun.

i hope to not always be difficult for Master S, but my one wish is that His patience doesn’t wear out anytime soon!

Early this morning, Master announced that today would be an “intensive training day”. As the teen would be away for the day, He was going to take advantage of her absence.

He laid it all out…

i was to pay extra special attention to protocol. “Sir” and “Master” were to be used at the appropriate times. Gracefulness at all times (difficult as I’d hurt my foot during a workout, resulting in an occasional limp). Nudity as usual. More urine training along with pain and orgasm training. Also stated was the experience of dripping hot wax on my pussy. It was quite the ambitious agenda indeed.

Master took me into the bedroom and instructed me to lay on the bed. Whenever He has me do so, i’m uncertain if it’ll be for pleasure or pain. (i must admit that i don’t have a proclivity toward enjoying pain…which may put me in a category of “inferior slaves”)  So i wait for my fate.

Master begins undressing as well, so i know that at least part of this time will be spent having sex. That makes me tremendously happy. Soon Master is on top, sliding in and out and things are going fine…then things took a turn.

He starts talking about torturing my pussy. Though i know it turns Him on, it’s a bit of a mood-breaker. He’s not talking fantasy. He’s talking about very real, painful events which will take place today. i can handle this type of conversation, but not when my mind is mushy-sweet during sex.

The result is that i feel myself starting to dry up like the Sahara desert.

He then rolls over and i get on top of Him. My mind is racing, thinking that he’ll command me to have an orgasm soon and i won’t be able to do so. My orgasm-o-meter has shut down much like a car battery in sub-zero temps.

Internally, i  panic. The conversation in my head goes something like…

“If i don’t orgasm when He commands, that means more punishment. i don’t want punishment. i don’t want to hear about pain during sex. It takes all the fun out of it. If He wants me to orgasm on-demand, then it removes any spontaneity. No more being playful and loving. i’ll be a robot.”

And on and on and on, my mind spinning out of control. It wasn’t pretty.

The thing is, my thoughts had no ground. Master S is very empathetic and intelligent. He takes a mindful approach and keeps “us” in the forefront. But as stated, i was in a state which wasn’t all that rational. Determined not to cry, i close my eyes and try to maintain a neutral expression. The rhythmic pattern of the sex hadn’t been interrupted during this time.

“Stop” He orders. i stop, but lower my head next to His so He can’t see my face.

 “You are to relax.” He says. i promptly say, “Yes sir” and realize how ironic it sounds when coupled with His directive. Like anyone can just relax on command.

“Look at me” says Master. i hesitantly raise up so i’m looking down at him.

He states “This is supposed to be fun”.  i mumble “Yes sir”.  Then the tears start coming because it ISN’T fun at the moment. Sex with Master is one of my very favorite things and it…just…wasn’t….working. i felt that we were going to “break” it. In my anxiety, i had visions of losing the sheer joy and rapture that it brings.

But Master had a different vision in mind, thank goodness. It’s with head hung low that i admit there are times when i require extra effort.  This was one of them. We talked for a while and Master handled me as He always does…with extreme care and consideration.

Afterward, we made love which induced tremendous, wet slushy orgasms.

I fully expected Master to then implement the slave training as outlined earlier…but He never did. Now i feel as if i disappointed Him. He’d asked me earlier if i enjoyed being taken care of. i replied “Yes” and He asked why. My answer was that it allowed me space to take better care of him.

But right now, Master may very well feel He can’t proceed with slave training…which means i’m not honoring my end of our agreement. As a bit of an overachiever, that stings.

If He can refrain from talking about the pain stuff while we’re having sex, that would help. But as Master, it’s up to Him. Personally, what i need to work on is adopting a better slave mentality and serve Master as He wants to be served.

Early yesterday morning, Master promised to step up my slave training. To recap: it entails more “sensation” (pain), orgasm training (on demand), and <shudder> drinking urine. As is His way, He was reserved for a few days while considering His decision to proceed fully and without hesitation.

But now the decision is made and our life continues in this rather offbeat manner.

Yesterday began with the routine of orally pleasuring Master’s cock until it becomes hard and throbs. When in His more meditative state, this requires a bit more effort on my part. But i’m a trooper and made sure the task was accomplished in fine form. “Never give up…never say die.”

i then got the kittens fed and started His shower. Washing Him is always a pleasure, gliding my hands over His body while using His manly-smelling soap. It’s a pleasure both tactile and other-sensory.

Anyway…

After the shower and other morning duties were wrapped up, Master took me back into the bedroom and got me warmed up with a few delicious orgasms.

Then…He got “the look”. It’s the type of look that tells me there’ll be a few changes coming up. It was at that point that i realized the orgasms were a bit of a gift to help soften the news.

“I’ve been going back and forth on this and made the decision to fully implement your slave training.” That meant my respite over the holidays wasn’t to be extended indefinitely. He continued, “This will incorporate orgasm training, more pain training so you can at least handle it better and drinking urine. Plan on having at least 10 orgasms tonight.”

i’m fine with the orgasm training overall….love love love it (except when too tired). The pain training is something i’ve come to view as being a temporary sensation. But the urine thing? <breathing out> Definitely a mind-bender. But it is what it is.

Master left shortly for work and i continued on with the day.

Evening arrived and Master got home from work. Dinner was in the oven and the house smelled great.

Master goes into the bathroom…i’d been secretly eye-balling His movements to see how soon He’d begin to implement that part of the training.  i hope to hear the muffled flush of the toilet as evidence that He added His fluid to the city’s water system. But to no avail.

Tap. Tap. Tap.  He stands in the doorway to get my attention. There was no denying His intention. i resignedly went into the bathroom. Sitting there on the sink was The Cup. (yes it deserves capital letters as it figures prominently in my angst)

Master had mercifully diluted His bodily fluid with water at this initial stage…but geez…there was at least 16 oz in The Cup! i figured it was easiest to just get it over with. So you know how you stop breathing while swallowing in order not to taste something? Think of times you had to take nasty-tasting cough syrup – same principle.

So i gulped down about a third of the contents.

“Is that enough, Master?”

“No. The whole thing.” 

i worked hard not to roll my eyes or sigh or exhibit outward signs of hesitance, as that would warrant a form of correction. i gulped down another third.

“How’s that, Master?” 

“The…whole…thing” He stated firmly. There was no getting out of it. Sh**!  The last bit of it went down, but not without a shudder.  

He had a small smile on His face. Yes, He enjoyed watching me squirm even though there’s always a part of Him which is empathetic.

i didn’t know if i could partake in dinner after drinking that much “stuff”, but thankfully the lure of the food was able to overcome the queasy feeling in my stomach.

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. We stayed up to watch the evening news, then went to bed. i was pretty tired and hoping that He’d bypass the orgasm training. Instead, He gave me an option of 10 orgasms, or 10 pussy strikes. i did a bit of mental math…

10 orgasms requires a tremendous amount of energy…and a bit of time. One doesn’t just rattle off 10 in a row in a matter of 15 seconds. My muscles were still a bit sore from the personal training session with James the day before. Not to mention my tired state. So i found myself opting for the pussy strikes…figuring they’d be over with relatively quickly.

Master got His favorite blue rod and i positioned myself on the bed – on my back and legs in the air. Whack! (first one wasn’t too bad). “Whack” “Whack” (that one stung a bit). “Whack”  Then…”WHACK!” It hit dead center on my clit piercing with enough force to send me into fetal position. F*%$ that hurt!

It took me a few moments to catch my breath and deal with the waves of pain. Then it occurred to me that i still have 5 more to go. That’s when i couldn’t keep from sobbing. Master let me lay there quietly, then i decided to get it over with….tears or no tears.

i rolled back into position, struggling to control my breathing, and raised my legs once more. Master was still firm, but noticeably gentler in His strikes. He stopped at 9, granting me the grace of not having to endure 10.

Soon afterwards, we were snuggled up against each other as is our nighttime routine. i was still feeling the emotional effects of the strikes and silently wanted Master to tell me how special I was. How much He adored me or appreciated what i did. But He remained silent.

i couldn’t sleep, so finally blurted out…“Tell me I’m special.” i needed reassurance that i wasn’t undergoing this process “just because”.

Master understood exactly what was needed and spent time murmuring sweet, caring words that were full of love and appreciation. He filled my heart back up to full and we drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms. Tomorrow would contain another set of challenges but for now, all was right in our world.

This morning i forgot to shampoo Master’s hair while in the shower, focusing instead of washing His powerful body. My gaze lingered on His shoulders, chest and strong legs. The washcloth and my hands glided over them, loving the feeling of both hard muscle and tender areas. My mind wandered and the result was that He needed to remind me of the need to shampoo. Not good…

i believe that’s one of the reasons Master struck my pussy a bit harder than usual before He left for work. Tears came to my eyes, but i figured i had it coming. Also, He instructed me to roll over so He could use the rod on my butt as well. A few of those made me yelp.

All that aside, the main purpose of this post is to go over my New Year’s resolution.  Mick at undercontracttomywife  posted his list. Master S thought it was a good idea and tasked me to do the same. So here goes…

desiree’s New Year’s resolutions:

1. Research and implement new techniques for an enjoyable blow-job. As i’m instructed to suck Master’s cock daily, i want to make sure He  doesn’t get bored with it…though He  assures me that He won’t!
2. Keep in mind that Master’s preferences are not necessarily a reflection of His feelings for me. So when He wants to whip my pussy or spank my bottom, it’s because He likes doing it…not because He’s upset with me.
3. Remain focused on even the small things which make Master’s life easier.  That is my job and goal as His Slave.
4. Communicate honestly even when it means putting myself in a vulnerable position.
5. Be open to ways which will enhance conversation and home life for Master. Be His ultimate companion.
6. Keep up with an exercise routine so i retain Master’s pride in my appearance.
7. View my position as worthy, though secondary to Master. He makes all final decisions.
8. Be quicker in answering questions as posed to me by Master. Spend less time waffling when it comes to simple decisions.
9. Continue to research various areas of D/s which are of interest to us. Report my findings to Master when appropriate to do so.
10. Love Master…He’s a good man. He has my soul. My heart. My being.

i’m looking forward to spending 2010 in Master’s company. i believe that the resolutions listed here will keep our relationship in the forefront of our lives…as it has been, and should be.