Am in an odd mood this morning, feeling as if something’s amiss. There’s a sense of uneasiness which is perhaps to be occasionally expected when one has handed over control.
Last night after generously allowing me a few orgasms, Master wanted to take me anally. One of the thoughts running through my head was that Master was perhaps finding it difficult to cum in the usual manner…and that perhaps reflected on me or an inability to please Him. (i know, i know… it’s not all about me) i’m embarrassed to say there were a few tears at first entry, as it was a bit painful. i believe i would’ve enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been for my preoccupation with Master’s pleasure.
Note: i realize that Master chooses not to cum all the time, so my concern was based on my own insecurities.
Later, Master didn’t sleep well so something may have been weighing on his mind. i quietly slipped out of bed in order to allow Him space to get comfortable. His work days demand a degree of attention to detail, so i’m cognizant that His need for rest supersedes mine. My intention was to remain alert until i heard His breathing settle into the familiar slow, rhythmic pattern of sleep. Instead, i ended up falling asleep even with the best of those intentions.
When the alarm rang this morning, i realized that the night had slipped away. i then burrowed in beside Master. i love being in that spot – skin on skin – and felt like i’d missed out greatly on that tactile pleasure. We proceeded with the morning routine which includes my care of Him in the shower, shaving and general grooming.
During breakfast, Master received a text message – read it with a sly smile on His face but made no comment. My stomach turned. (later i found out it was his ex texting about escrow details on the house they own but can’t seem to sell). i realize that i’m responsible for my own reactions and that this may very well be the result of past shadows and painful “learning experiences” due to misplaced trust.
Master may not be pleased with this post, so i struggled with whether or not to publish it. My decision to do so is based on His wanting to know my thought processes, as unattractive as they may be at times. Hopefully a bit of meditation today will help release this insecurity as i know it’s not productive or helpful.
8 comments ↓
You did very well in publishing this entry despite your reluctance; he needs to know what’s going on in your mind and the state of your emotional health in order to nip things in the bud rather than have insecurities pile up and cause unnecessary fretting.
You’re allowed to feel negative emotions, as long as you don’t act out on them. For all you now it’s something completely unrelated to you.
If the feelings persist, you would do good in seeking audience with him just to point out your need for reasurence. The mind tends to make a heaven of hell, or a hell out of heaven, as Milton said, and it loves to play tricks on us.
I agree with Violeta completely – I personally use my blog as a journal most of the time, so I try to be honest about everything I’m thinking on there – it makes for a good way of getting some of the rubbish out of my head for her to see what is really going on in there
Thank you, Violeta. Your reply is very welcomed.
As it is, Master is contemplating some type of correction as i didn’t follow protocol before getting out of bed last night (even though i was well-intentioned and didn’t want to disturb him further).
There are times when i commiserate with the proverbial bug on the windshield. But thankfully, there are enough pleasant times to make up for it.
hey b – i’ve found blogging to be good for the soul as well. In the editing process, what may have started out as a bit of a rant eventually gets fine-tuned into what the real issue is. It does help me define it with more clarity.
It’s a great release, indeed!
i think the same thing. You need to let your feelings out in your blog. i can understand the insecurities as well. i’m still new to the world and Daddy definitely is. He is now using my blog as a way to understand how my mind is working. Anything that affects me he wants to know. You did very well posting this post.
Thanks for leaving your comment on my blog. It was much appreciated.
You’re very welcome, Amber. It’s always nice to find jewels such as your blog.
Daddy sounds like a caring Dom-in-training. If He would like to communicate more with Master S, please let me know. Master is an insightful, intelligent individual who proceeds only after he’s given the moment some thought.
Update: Master gave me 2 spanks on the bottom for not following protocol. Am very happy that he was so lenient.
I enjoyed your entry and am glad you did spite your reluctance. I am in the midst of possibly getting involved with someone who wants a master-slave relationship. It is building on line and I am new to this. Today he sent me a message via YIM as a request: I want you to write me a long email explaining your own discovery and awarness of the sub or slave in you to this point including any impotant milestones on that path-and then I want you to tell me what your idealized vision of your life as slave And lastly what your understanding is of what it means in terms of your daily rituals to be this Masters slut.
When I read this I had a panic attack and tears ran down my face. I didnt know how to react to this since I am new so I didnt think I had the right answers for him. Plus the words slave, master, slut all have such negative connotations. I want to please him and I feel so connected but at the same time it is confusing because of society. Your entry made me feel more comfortable and that it is ok to want a relationship like this. I still dont know what to write to me potential master but your entry and replies made me realize that all I have to be is open and honest.
Leave a Comment