Entries from December 2009 ↓

To all our friends and fellow bloggers,

Master S and i wish you love, health and the fortitude to achieve your greatest aspirations…whatever those may be.

We wish you challenges as well as rewards along your journey. For without the challenges, the rewards aren’t as sweet.

We wish you a steady compass to navigate by. Remaining true to yourself is the clearest indicator of remaining on the path.

Appreciate each other, and keep spreading the culture of non-judgement. It’s truly a beautiful thing.

Best wishes for 2010,

Master S and desiree

P.S. We’re traveling this weekend so will be out of touch until next week.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot.

I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”  -Anais Nin

Last night, the memory of this quote came to mind. We were lying together, watching Monday night television. Just the closeness of Him can make me wet. And horny. i wanted Him bad. As if psychic, His fingers crept over to my pussy and began stroking lightly. It felt like an electric shock running through me. My thoughts centered only on the exquisite sensations He was producing. It wasn’t long before i took His hand and began urging Him to stroke harder.

Then i heard it…that unmistakable timbre in his voice that was “the Dom”. Authoritative, commanding and secure in His knowledge that i’ll do His bidding. The voice that compels me to obey as if there is no other option.

“On your back.” i promptly flipped over and raised my legs in the assumed position. He knelt on the bed and slid His cock into my wet pussy as is His right. Looking down at me, His eyes made it clear there’d be no refusing His wishes. He pumped in and out of me, bringing me to the edge. Knowing that the skin around the opening was a bit tender due to my enthusiastic grinding against Him the day before, He paid no heed. i felt the blood rush to the area as He continued working His magic.

“Cum, slave” said Master. i happily obliged but Master knows that a single orgasm is just the beginning. He laid down over me and commanded me to cum again. i worked my body against His – reveling in His maleness – until the demand was met. He then rolled over and placed me on top of Him.

He directed me to take his cock only as far as the tip, i wasn’t to push down the full length of His shaft. It drove me crazy, feeling just the head of His cock, yearning to feel all of Him inside of me. But i couldn’t argue. It was all i could do to not slam my pussy all the down to his base. Finally, i heard the anticipated command. “Cum”. All it took was to imagine what it would feel like to have all of Him. I had just started to cum when He forcefully drove His cock in and out of my wet pussy. It was all i could do to hang onto sanity…then we both came together with a vengeance.

Sweet sweet surrender to my Master.

Monday morning. i showered and shaved Master. i also sucked on His cock while He was brushing His teeth and licked His butt while He was flossing (am not a big fan of that particular duty). i got His breakfast ready and even had time to go warm up His vehicle, as the temp was a brisk 4 degrees this morning.

Before He left for the office though, He wanted to employ a bit of training. i knew this was on His mind, so was fully expecting it. i was a bit nervous as he’s been giving my genital piercing time to heal. The last time He struck that area, the pain took my breath away.

So…today was a bit of a test run. He selected a braided brown leather belt. Folded it in half. Instructed me to lay on the bed, legs in the air and spread wide. i was to hold onto my ankles and not let go until He was finished.

The first strike landed to the right of my clit. It wasn’t so bad. i found myself bracing for the excruciating pain that would potentially happen when He hit the piercing.

The next blow landed smack dab on top of the clit ring. Although it carried impact as far as sensation, it didn’t force me into a fetal position. i did a mental fist-pump. Master is always measuring my responses so i know He took my reaction as a “go ahead”.

He didn’t necessarily apply more force, but did place a few more strikes before calling it good. He offered His hand to help me off the bed and was perhaps surprised at my good cheer which was mostly fueled by relief.

Speaking of piercings….

We got some new nipple jewelry this weekend at the mall. There was a sweet, innocent-looking girl working the Piercing Pagoda kiosk. She was quite helpful and didn’t blink an eye when this middle-aged couple (us) was asking about the selections for nipple and genital areas.

We selected a rather dainty-looking set with rhinestones (will include a photo later) as well as something a bit more colorful. i’m not totally sure what Master will want me to wear while we’re in Cancun but now He has more to choose from. Inserting them was rather easy, though i did have to ask Master to help remove the rings that were already in place as those required pliers.

Up until a few months ago, i never would have thought…

• i’d have body piercings
• i’d be shopping for nipple jewelry.
• i’d be in this unconventional relationship
• i’d be challenged on a daily basis

Or that

i could be so fulfilled in a manner which defies all i’ve been taught to believe.

For this, i thank Master S for his patience, honesty, and constant communication. He allows me to trust and walk with Him on this journey.

Master and i were lazing in bed on the morning of Christmas Eve. He turned to me and stated that the next 2 days were going to be “normal couple” days. We could forego the D/s protocol until the morning after Christmas. In fact, i was to remove the collar. At the end of this time, i would have the option whether or not to continue with the D/s relationship.

 i’d  been somewhat expecting something like this. He’d been reserved for a few days and i was waiting for Him to share what was on His mind. Apparently He wonders why i would want to accompany Him on this journey, especially since i don’t share some of His kinks. He explained that the time spent without the trappings of D/s will allow me to better make the decision whether or not to continue. What i didn’t tell Him was that i already knew my answer, but i fully intended to enjoy this little break.

And…I decided that i would wear the collar and view it as a piece of jewelry instead. It was with a delicious sense of mischief that i took advantage of this “normal” time.

Later that morning, things heated up in the bedroom. We were standing quite close to each other and i began kissing Him deeply, holding His neck with one hand and grasping His back with the other. Soon, we were undressed and i led Him to the bed.  i bent over the bed and directed Him to take me from behind.

He started to do so, then gave me a spank on the right butt-cheek. It seemed a bit of a test. i allowed Him to place a few more spanks. He could tell i liked it. With a smile in His voice, He said, “I think we both know what your answer is going to be. We might as well stop the drama now and call it good.” But i wasn’t going to give Him the satisfaction of hearing my decision before the designated time. He knows me quite well, and this was a way for me to keep Him guessing for once.

We wound up on the bed for “free form sex” – my favorite.  That means sex without direction…just cutting loose and playing. The sound of my wetness against Master’s cock was almost embarrassing, but not enough to make me stop. At one point, Master pulled on my hair (am not sure if it was intentional) but i told him, in an irritated voice, that it hurt. i felt quite cheeky doing that!

I ended up being fucked silly. For real. It took me about 15 minutes to become coherent as well as muster the will to move any of my limbs. Master brought me some water upon my request as my mouth was dry. Bodily fluids needed to be replenished.

Our “normal” day resumed. i wasn’t nude at any point. i sat beside Him without asking permission. No clothespins. No pussy inspections. i didn’t defer to him…though i did find myself occasionally addressing Him as “Sir” out of habit. All the while, grinning on the inside and feeling just a bit naughty.

There’s a beauty in connecting as two individuals in this more casual manner but i admit that i felt as if something was missing. What Master and i have found in the D/s relationship is that there aren’t power struggles. We know our roles and what’s expected. So far, Master has proved to be a very good leader. Because of this, I’ve had no issues following him.

We had a beautiful Christmas together and i was quite spoiled with Master’s generous gifts. i still held onto my verbal decision even though there were a few moments when i wanted to tell him.

This morning was the official time. i already knew that i’d  get back in line as Master’s slave, but He still wasn’t 100% positive. As is our D/s protocol, i requested to get out of bed but only after firming up His cock with my mouth. At that point, He must’ve known my decision but had to ask. i answered in the affirmative and now we’re back to this lifestyle along with both its pleasures and challenges.

It was a nice break, but i know that with Master S i can safely allow my submissive tendencies to surface. So we’re back to what’s become “normal” for us…a loving, 24/7 D/s relationship.

One very dear woman in our bdsm community was verbally made to feel like she was “sick” due to her online posting of a vivid “discipline” dream.  In my email interactions with her, I felt her warmth in the words that she writes.

As far as her background, she and her husband are now bravely reframing their lives together, incorporating bdsm practices. i applaud them both. But to have her post bashed – even though her site posts a content warning  - is pretty nervy.  <rolling eyes>,

Let’s think this through…

Someone is surfing the internet. They come across her site (most likely looking for bdsm material) and even click the “I agree” button on the warning page. They read her lengthy post, then leave a comment which suggests that she’s depraved.

i’m going to resist the urge to call that person a coward or small-minded. By doing so, i’d be jumping right into the same pool of finger-pointing. What it really shows is that there are many fearful people out there who don’t accept others unless they conform to their narrow standards.

Master and i came together as a normal couple. He was very upfront with His tastes and proclivities but didn’t try to push them on me. We enjoyed each other’s company and fell in love as individuals. At the time, He was struggling to figure out where His fantasies were leading Him. i loved him and wanted to walk with Him on this journey, not knowing how we’d end up. Above all else, i admired his honesty and openness.  If i’d opted to take a standard view, i would’ve missed out on this truly beautiful man.

Not everyone can do so…

There’s a common theory that states “Whatever is repressed, gets expressed”.  Basically, when someone presents themselves to the world as “better than” (think homophobics, racists or conservative religious), they want others to place them on a pedestal. Ah, but these flimsy pedestals are easily toppled as evidenced by people such as Jimmy Swaggart, and most recently, Tiger Woods.

As my entry into the world of bdsm is quite recent, i have to say that so far, i’ve found very real, caring and authentic people at the core. They’ve mostly come to terms with who they are. They’re extremely accepting of other people’s kinks as well.

Whoever left that nasty comment should really take a look at themselves and figure out exactly what they’re afraid of. After all, each and every one of us possesses qualities that aren’t easy to look at. But once we do – and open ourselves up to the light of non-judgment  and caring – then we no longer need to fear that which is unfamiliar.

There’s no need to leave hurtful, anonymous posts. Life’s too short for that.

It’s Friday. Master S’s office party will be taking place this evening at an elegant restaurant. i’m determined to make Master proud of my presentation to his colleagues and staff. They’ve all seen me before, but typically it’s been in a more casual fashion. Tonight i’m pulling out the stops. Lipstick, full make-up, an off-the-shoulder red sweater, skinny pants and boots. Master likes to watch men’s heads turn when i enter a room. Because of this, i’ve become much more conscious about taking advantage of my natural presence.

If i might say, this is one of many things i thoroughly enjoy about Master. He’s not jealous as He knows that i’m going home with him.

Which leads me to other things i fully appreciate about my beloved Master…

His honest, direct communication. Without His lead in this area, i couldn’t be in such a relationship. It would degenerate into one which contained many unspoken issues. This unfortunately seems to be the standard for most couples.

His firm knowledge of what He wants. i’ve known upfront about His likes and dislikes…no surprises. There are areas we’re slowly walking into that at this time seem unpleasant to me, but i’ve gone into this with full awareness.

His humor. Though Master doesn’t smile much, His dry humor is often unexpected and quite on-target. It’s a good complement to my silliness.

His intelligence. When Master makes a statement or demand, most times there’s a fair amount of thought behind it. Not much is done “just because”. Again, this is good for me in that i tend to be somewhat scattered.

His caring. Even after a discipline session, Master takes extraordinary steps in after-care to ensure that “we” are still strong. It’s His attention to us as a real-life couple that melts my heart.

His physique. Master is very strong yet He never uses that strength against me. Even during times of correction, i know he’s holding back. For that, i’m eternally grateful.

His creativity. It takes many forms and expresses the inner workings of His mind.

His need for morning coffee…and lots of it. Yes, i do love this as well. It’s his kryptonite.

All of these are just a sliver of why i love him so. He’s my “other”. The flip side of the coin.

Though i use this blog as a means of venting, it’s no small matter that we’re together. Master S is a wonderful partner and one which i’d want to walk beside…no matter how the relationship was structured.

Am in an odd mood this morning, feeling as if something’s amiss. There’s a sense of uneasiness which is perhaps to be occasionally expected when one has handed over control.

Last night after generously allowing me a few orgasms, Master wanted to take me anally. One of the thoughts running through my head was that Master was perhaps finding it difficult to cum in the usual manner…and that perhaps reflected on me or an inability to please Him. (i know, i know… it’s not all about me) i’m embarrassed to say there were a few tears at first entry, as it was a bit painful. i believe i would’ve enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been for my preoccupation with Master’s pleasure.

Note: i realize that Master chooses not to cum all the time, so my concern was based on my own insecurities.

Later, Master didn’t sleep well so something may have been weighing on his mind. i quietly slipped out of bed in order to allow Him space to get comfortable. His work days demand a degree of attention to detail, so i’m cognizant that His need for rest supersedes mine.  My intention was to remain alert until i heard His breathing settle into the familiar slow, rhythmic pattern of sleep. Instead, i ended up falling asleep even with the best of those intentions.

When the alarm rang this morning, i realized that the night had slipped away. i then burrowed in beside Master. i love being in that spot – skin on skin – and felt like i’d missed out greatly on that tactile pleasure.  We proceeded with the morning routine which includes my care of Him in the shower, shaving and general grooming.

During breakfast, Master received a text message – read it with a sly smile on His face but made no comment. My stomach turned. (later i found out it was his ex texting about escrow details on the house they own but can’t seem to sell). i realize that i’m responsible for my own reactions and that this may very well be the result of past shadows and painful “learning experiences” due to misplaced trust.

Master may not be pleased with this post, so i struggled with whether or not to publish it. My decision to do so is based on His wanting to know my thought processes, as unattractive as they may be at times. Hopefully a bit of meditation today will help release this insecurity as i know it’s not productive or helpful.

A few days ago, Mick from Under Contract (see Favorite Blogs) recently asked if i receive an amount of pride for enduring Master S’s corrections, piercings and other events. It was an insightful question and one i’ve been pondering since that time.

Here’s what i’ve come up with…

Though i don’t enjoy the pain sensations as some subs/slaves seem to, i’ve learned from them.  Now i’m better able to view the experience as temporary and not carry as much angst about the event. Sometimes the simple truth is, whipping my pussy arouses Master S. i like the fact that i’m able to provide that for Him.

Endurance is an exercise in “letting go”. Letting go of the fact that it’s my beloved Master inflicting the pain. Letting go of the social norms that categorize this type of relationship as “bad”. Letting go of the illusion that says this energy exchange isn’t done with love.

Master S is allowing Himself to be very authentic with me. That’s a rich reward for any sub/slave.  i’m also discovering that previous definitions of “a great relationship”  have been replaced with a deeper understanding. More earthy, but also more real and connecting due to the depth of communication that takes place.

An unexpected side benefit of these sessions is that they’ve even helped me in my workouts with James, our sadistic personal trainer. My limits are being tested and i’m getting stronger both physically and mentally. Without a doubt, i know that the pain is only temporary. My mind can better overcome what’s happening “in the moment” and recognize that the benefit lies on the other side…whether it’s 15 seconds or 15 minutes away.

So yes, there is an amount of pride in attempting to serve Master S the way he wants to be served. i’m not always successful, but He knows i’m trying. And i’m doing it with love.

There’s a yogic saying which sums it up, “If the body is not governed by the mind, and the mind is not governed by the soul, no healing can ever manifest. Love is the essence of healing.”

If one can’t hand themselves over without lingering negativity, then one simply shouldn’t hand themselves over.

It’s bitterly cold here with windchills of -24. As is my habit, i take to daydreaming of warmer climes when we’re knee-deep in winter. The cold doesn’t slow down our activities, but my personal preference is to be able to step outside without requiring 3 layers of clothing, a parka and boots.

Master just recently booked flights to Mexico in January. Though i’ve traveled internationally quite a bit, i’ve never been to Mexico. But that won’t be the biggest part of our adventure. You see, Master S has booked us at an adult, clothing-optional all-inclusive resort. He’s been there before, but this will be my first time.

i told my very chatty sister that we were going to Mexico in January, and she eagerly suggested that she and her husband join us. When i told her that this is a clothing-optional place…there was silence. “Hello?  Hello?” “Ummm, maybe we can go to Vegas together instead sometime” she replied.

Being the conservative type, it’s actually a good thing that she doesn’t want to go. (she doesn’t know of our D/s arrangement) This resort allows for public sex in some areas and i don’t know of many people who’d be comfortable having family members around while doing “the wild thing”.

Going to a place like that has a lot of advantages. Primarily, it breaks up our winter. Also, there’s no need for layers of clothing, boots and assorted gear. One only has to remember tanning lotion, sunglasses and perhaps a good book. The resort provides all the towels, drinks and food you could possibly want.

So here i sit looking out at a wintry landscape, already anticipating the feel of sunshine on my skin and the freedom of being caressed sans clothing by Master. Dreaming of cabanas and relaxation.

For now though, I’ve got to find my missing glove. I know it’s around here somewhere…

Friday night – Master S and i were on the way home from an evening out. Without being ordered, I took off all my clothes for the ride home. This makes Master happy and i know that He’ll want to pleasure me while He’s driving.

i position myself as directed – legs open, feet touching just at the big toes so He can inspect the arches of my feet at a glance. My pussy is open to Him and He turns on the light inside the vehicle to get a better view. Soon His warm hand finds my thigh, lingering there before delivering long, slow strokes on my pussy.

He feels my wetness and then brings His hand to His nose to inhale my scent. Then He continues His masterful manipulation, making me come several times. We find ourselves home much too quickly for my liking…settling into the rest of the evening at home with a surly teen.

Saturday morning – Master directs me to pause in front of Him and He touches my pussy. This is a non-verbal command to spread my legs so He can view His domain more easily. i do so, only to see a questioning look on His face. “Did you remove your piercing” He asks. i gasp – unaware that between last night and this morning, my clit jewelry had fallen out. Knowing how quickly my skin heals, i’m concerned that i may need to be re-pierced if i don’t find the missing ring. Also, as it was only last weekend that i endured punishment, i didn’t want Master to consider this an event worthy of more discipline.

It didn’t take long for me to start a thorough search. The sheets were inspected in case it fell out while sleeping. My steps were retraced and all possible nooks and crannies were considered. Then i looked in the truck – and the ball part of the piercing was sitting on the seat but the ring was nowhere to be found. Uh oh. Our robust romp had caused the jewelry to come undone.

i suggested to Master that we drive to town to get a replacement. He agrees, but wants to go back to the tattoo shop…just in case. He even suggested that Josh (the young guy who did the piercings) take a look at it and do the reinsertion. My heart sank. i certainly didn’t want to revisit Josh seeing me naked again…

Before going to see Josh, we stopped in to a local coffee shop – Master S had a latte and I had a cup of tea. While there, my mind was whirling. i suggested that Josh didn’t need to see us again and i could most certainly handle putting it back in.

Master sternly said, “You still haven’t let go. This is an example of you controlling from the bottom.” i realized he was right. i was trying to manipulate the situation. He’s wise to bring it to my attention.

We continued on to the tattoo shop and Josh advised us as to which types of jewelry would provide the most stimulation. We end up with two new pieces – including a barbell style that was highly recommended. Shortly afterwards, we head home for the reinsertion process.

While i lay back on the bed, Master is graciously helping out. Unfortunately, the piercing has already started to close and the curved design of the barbell doesn’t lend itself to easy entry. i triy to focus on other things while Master’s hands were working the bar through. He was trying to be gentle and had managed to penetrate the piercing from one end, but…it hurt!

i offer to take over the task and He happily agrees. After some time i could spot the glint of metal near the exit side. The problem was, the metal was much thicker than the hole. This meant i’d basically have to re-punch thru the opening. Taking a deep breath, i gave it a final shove. Success! But along with that came an amount of pain. Still, it was now done. i screwed on the ball to cap it off and stood up, a bit shaky.

We didn’t have sex that evening, but were eager to try out the new jewelry this morning…just to see if Josh was right about its stimulating effects.

It was absolutely delightful due to the continuous stimulation provided by the balls on either end of the bar. i came time and time again. Master was pleased. i wanted to do something for Him, as i realize i do provide Him with a fair amount of work in my training. i asked him if He’d like to take me from behind while striking my back. i know He likes it and it shows my eagerness to please.

He bent me over the bed. It didn’t take more than 3 strikes from a cane before He came with a vengeance. Soon afterwards, i licked Him clean as is my duty.  i consider myself to be a very lucky slave.