i’m still mortified when thinking about my reaction the other day. Granted, it was only a week into my “official” slave training, which was 7 months into relationship w/Master S. (we didn’t start the relationship based on D/s principles)

At this point in time, i’ve already seen the depth of His character. Have felt His steady hand in moving the relationship along. So what was the big deal?

Master S asked for the title to my car as a symbolic gesture. He also asked if He could buy my possessions from me but would allow me to keep a few things with sentimental value.

i’ve already agreed to have Him handle all the finances, begun the process of closing out my checking account as well as adhering to the rules He set forth. i’ve learned to do things i never imagined i’d ever do in my life. We’ll most likely end up getting married anyway…so again, what was the big deal?

It wasn’t about the value of the possessions. You have to understand, my car is a piece-o-crap.  i have no sentimental attachment to it and realize that the local mechanic is probably counting on it to pay for his kid’s braces.

As far as my possessions, i sold most of them after my divorce in order to pay off debt accrued by the ex. God knows, Master S doesn’t have any need for the remaining items.

Why was i sobbing and apparently in the midst of emotional trauma?

Master S waited patiently (bless His heart). After settling down, i realized these things represented the illusion of a safety net. Any feeling of independence would be dramatically reduced just by that one little gesture.

But still, the thought that i actually had independence wasn’t real. i’d already handed over everything else to Him – my freedom, my body, my spirit, my love, along with my bills.  With His typical generosity, He accepted what i brought to the table and took me under His protective wing.

Now He was asking for something i would’ve freely given anyway if i’d stopped to think about it. But oh no, i had to go on boo-hooing. In hindsight it was all because i was clinging to a false premise.

Here’s what hit me as absolute truth…

The only independence i now have is in honoring my agreement to serve Him as best as possible. Sometimes i do feel badly for Him – having to break me in to this lifestyle when someone who’s used to it may be easier to handle. Yet i know i could serve no other. So for me, it’s not much of a decision.

By serving Him, i also feel as if i’m being served. He provides structure which is otherwise lacking in my life. He provides appreciation for my servitude. The way His lips turn up slightly in a smile when he knows i’m struggling — but determined — to be obedient is a reward in itself.

My goal is to reframe the emotions and perceived injustices into what they really are…just the long shadows of the past saying “What if….”  From now on, i’ll remind myself that it’s all an illusion. i’m here to serve.  To serve my Master with all of my being.