Entries from October 2009 ↓

It’s a precious time in life – while the daily chores and expectations are demanding, it all seems worth it when we sit down to dinner.

Per Master’s instruction, i am to prepare the evening meal with attention to detail. This means setting the table in an attractive manner, nice place settings, and visual presentations of the food. What’s happened is that it’s been an effective tool to create a lingering at the table. Even our teenage daughter likes to sit down and chat for a while – i’m grateful for this time as she’ll be leaving for college next fall. (she’s unaware of our peculiarities)

So while a BDSM lifestyle to an outsider can seem filled with pain and torture, the reality is that it forces me to focus on things such as this. To be perfectly honest, without this imposed structure and discipline i’m a rather scattered person. Over the years i’ve learned to rein it in and stick to a working schedule but when it comes to household duties or chores…i’d give them an effort but nothing too major.

What i’m finding is that by keeping Master S’s wishes in the foreground, i’m becoming a much more efficient individual. He’s fair and mindful, which is the reason i’ve embarked on this journey anyway. If He was a typical male (egoic) then it’d be a fight to the finish. As it is, i’m becoming more and more comfortable bending to His will.

Time for dinner…gotta run!

Blog post written to Master S by desiree -

When thinking of the difference between binding and bonding – what holds us or keeps us together -  this analogy comes to mind:

Let’s say we’re walking somewhere on a trail overlooking a canyon where there’s a bit of a risk for me to fall. You ask me to hold your hand, but to be perfectly honest, i’d feel much more secure if you held MY hand.

To me, there’s a big difference.

If i hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that i may let go of your hand. But if you hold my hand, then i know for sure that no matter what happens, you’d never let go.

Although we’re taking practical steps to bind me to you, we’ve also bonded in ways beyond the superficial – beyond the fantasy lifestyle.  Without that inherent connection, it’d be a rather empty existence we’d be sharing in.

i’ve asked you to hold my hand during this journey as i realize it’ll be difficult at times. i’m trusting you not to let go.

i just finished reading a blog post by someone who “felt sorry” for people who labeled themselves as submissive. Her POV was that submission shouldn’t be one-sided and woe be to the misguided souls who portrayed themselves in this manner. Even though her reasoning seemed to be a bit skewed, i agree with the point that it shouldn’t be one-sided.  And i truly don’t believe that’s the case in a healthy D/s relationship.

She obviously wasn’t seeing the entire picture.

Master S, being the intellectually-balanced being that He is, would probably agree that we give equally. We learn from each other, and grow from those experiences. We submit our own egos in deference to what will best make this relationship work.

Master submits to fairness at times when He realizes that stubbornness or demands for the sake of force  won’t provide the expected results.  Yes there are times when i know He remains silent so as to collect His thoughts rather than reacting. Those are the times when i’ve perhaps pouted a bit or expressed my distaste for a task.  He values the fact that my submissiveness is a gift. One that wouldn’t have been given if He hadn’t earned my ultimate trust and respect.

There are times when it creates a burden for Him. If you’ve never considered Dom burnout, think of this…

Doms constantly need their hands on the reins to drive the relationship. At some point, they need to rest and reintegrate themselves – all parts of themselves, not just the Dom side. It’d be exhausting, especially if you’re determined to do the D/s job well.

I recognize that and express great appreciation for this ongoing commitment.

The easy part for an observer to understand is that i have submitted by giving myself over fully to Master S.  What should also come to mind is that He gives fully of Himself to me as well. This is a true depiction of the “fair exchange” principle.

If you have a good Dom, you know they give of their time to train their subs. They have to watch like a hawk to see if their slaves misbehave and adjust that behavior accordingly. They have to determine when they’ve pushed their sub far enough, or perhaps too far and then do the damage control when that happens.  Decisions to be made, activities to keep the subs’ minds occupied as well as maintaining a delicate balance of relationship and the demands of a D/s lifestyle. The list goes on.

i would never think that Master S’s role is easier than mine. His job is non-stop and He also tends to the core of our relationship, much as a gardener would tend their favorite flowers (sometimes giving them a dose of “tough love” – ha ha)

There’s an old saying “Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Though I’ve given Master S full control, He’s balanced in His authoritative role.  He’s constantly submitting His ego for the greater good of our relationship. There’s much to be applauded about a mature and sensitive Dom. For that, i’m ever grateful.

i’m still mortified when thinking about my reaction the other day. Granted, it was only a week into my “official” slave training, which was 7 months into relationship w/Master S. (we didn’t start the relationship based on D/s principles)

At this point in time, i’ve already seen the depth of His character. Have felt His steady hand in moving the relationship along. So what was the big deal?

Master S asked for the title to my car as a symbolic gesture. He also asked if He could buy my possessions from me but would allow me to keep a few things with sentimental value.

i’ve already agreed to have Him handle all the finances, begun the process of closing out my checking account as well as adhering to the rules He set forth. i’ve learned to do things i never imagined i’d ever do in my life. We’ll most likely end up getting married anyway…so again, what was the big deal?

It wasn’t about the value of the possessions. You have to understand, my car is a piece-o-crap.  i have no sentimental attachment to it and realize that the local mechanic is probably counting on it to pay for his kid’s braces.

As far as my possessions, i sold most of them after my divorce in order to pay off debt accrued by the ex. God knows, Master S doesn’t have any need for the remaining items.

Why was i sobbing and apparently in the midst of emotional trauma?

Master S waited patiently (bless His heart). After settling down, i realized these things represented the illusion of a safety net. Any feeling of independence would be dramatically reduced just by that one little gesture.

But still, the thought that i actually had independence wasn’t real. i’d already handed over everything else to Him – my freedom, my body, my spirit, my love, along with my bills.  With His typical generosity, He accepted what i brought to the table and took me under His protective wing.

Now He was asking for something i would’ve freely given anyway if i’d stopped to think about it. But oh no, i had to go on boo-hooing. In hindsight it was all because i was clinging to a false premise.

Here’s what hit me as absolute truth…

The only independence i now have is in honoring my agreement to serve Him as best as possible. Sometimes i do feel badly for Him – having to break me in to this lifestyle when someone who’s used to it may be easier to handle. Yet i know i could serve no other. So for me, it’s not much of a decision.

By serving Him, i also feel as if i’m being served. He provides structure which is otherwise lacking in my life. He provides appreciation for my servitude. The way His lips turn up slightly in a smile when he knows i’m struggling — but determined — to be obedient is a reward in itself.

My goal is to reframe the emotions and perceived injustices into what they really are…just the long shadows of the past saying “What if….”  From now on, i’ll remind myself that it’s all an illusion. i’m here to serve.  To serve my Master with all of my being.

Ever read the book “Good To Great” by Jim Collins? It’s a business book outlining the type of leadership which makes some companies great while others are…well…not so great. While reading, i was struck by how the same principles could also be applied for a successful D/s relationship.

Here’s what i mean:

The book lists qualities of Level 5 leaders (the very best, and most successful). We can take a look at these same attributes and apply them to the people who make the very best Doms, as they are our Leaders. This gives us a means to objectively view who’s “Dominant” and who is merely “domineering”. i’ve had my share of “domineering” and now know enough to steer clear of those types!

To briefly summarize, the Level 5 Leaders were all cut from the same cloth. The absence of this type of leadership was apparent in the companies who struggled and ultimately failed. Thus we can compare it to what makes a long-lasting D/s relationship.

Some of the common qualities of a Level 5 Leader:

1. They have both a modesty yet also a willfulness of purpose.  

In contrast, the individuals who attempt to lead by sheer charisma or force end up with a shorter career and typically drive their relationships/businesses to the ground.

2. Concern for the business’s (or relationship’s) success first and foremost, rather than exertion of personal power or fame.

If a Dom isn’t ultimately caring for the sub – choosing instead to value their own gratification at the expense of the sub – then the relationship has little chance for survival.

3. Unwavering resolve to do what must be done.

These Level 5 leaders will do what it takes to make the company great. This will also apply to a D/s relationship. There’s a ferocity to do what it takes to make it work.

4. When things go badly, they don’t look to others to blame. As leaders, they apportion responsibility in a fair manner.

A successful Dom would never think of blaming his sub for something he failed to communicate or carry out.

5. Sets a high standard – and will settle for nothing else.

Expects results from himself as well as others.

Not to mention that Level 5 Leaders also are self-reflective, have undergone conscious personal development, as well as a number of life factors that have helped them develop depth.

As subs, if we can look to our D’s and recognize these traits, then we can rest assured that we’re in very capable hands.

i’m grateful to Master S. He exhibits these qualities in both His professional and personal life. It’s an honor to serve Him. Granted, i do try His patience at times but He’s been fair and generous in my training. For that, i attempt to make His life easier and more fulfilling.

Oh dear…yet another “aha” moment as i was doing the internet research as required by Master on the topic of slavery.

Definitely, my body is to be considered Master S’s property. i can see you nodding your head, “Sure, He gets to use it in whatever way he wants!”  That’s the surface concept, but it also translates to taking the time to care for this body as well.

Taking a relaxing bath – eating properly – exercising in a motivated manner. Caring for it as one of His precious possessions.

i thought i was doing a good-enough job of staying in shape and keeping up appearances.  But when faced with actually maintaining myself with as much attention as the household duties…there’s a gap. How many of us go beyond standard hygiene?

Take time to soak our feet or get pedicures? Get a massage to ease away the stress so we come to Him fresh and relaxed? Or even sink into a luxurious bath, knowing that we’re caring for Master’s property by doing so.

 Keeping that in mind, i’ll limit my intake of M&M’s, exercise in a more dedicated manner and be mindful of releasing stress and tension.  AND do it without feeling guilty. It’ll be a required part of my slavery – even if it’s self-enforced. Master S will be pleased with this unannounced commitment on my part. After all, he’ll be the one enjoying the results!

Yesterday, He caught me by surprise. Spanked me hard as a punishment without telling me what it was for. Did i sincerely dislike Him in that moment?  Yes indeed, especially as i wasn’t sure what the punishment was for.

i’d had a hard day – getting used to this slave mindset and all. Worked hard at getting my list of “to do’s” done all while juggling the emotional rollercoaster the newness of this lifestyle brings. i thought i was doing well…until that first hard smack. There was dust on the countertop ledge apparently (my bad).

The tears started coming, at first in anger. Then, they just wouldn’t stop. i felt i was losing “self”. Losing  the real person-to-person connection with Master. If the relationship became a mere façade for just a bdsm thing, i’d rather be on my own. Unlike some slaves, i need to feel that authentic core of love and caring.

i cried and cried and cried. Poor Master…he had a sloppily emotional woman on His hands. As He knows i’m struggling with the term “slave”, Master suggested we use “personal attendant” for now…until i get further along in my training. Works for me!

Master resolves to let me know ahead of time what the punishment is for.  For my part, I’m trying to relax and truly have fun with this situation. We’ll both make mistakes along the way and i need to give him time to adjust as well. There’s no need to be a perfectionist especially during the training period.

As it turns out, my emotional breakdown was quite cathartic. i woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to tackle yet another day. And…i must say that i adore Master even more for responding to my tears in a heartful and caring manner. i’m the luckiest personal attendant ever!

A special thank-you to namaste at http://servicesavoirfaire.blogspot.com for her suggestion on creating this weekly list:

outside my window…dreary rain. The green hues of summer are turning into a monochromatic tan palette.

my thoughts…turn to how to best step outside myself in order to serve Master S. It’s a goal but difficult at times due to the newness of this situation.

i am thankful for…the opportunity presented and the challenges it contains. It’s freeing yet requires tremendous self-discipline.

For my service training…i am  doing quite a bit of online research. Several books are on my wish-list if Master wants me to read them.

i am wearing…nothing as Master requests. Have to keep the heat turned up a bit higher than usual but Master said he’d gladly pay the extra heating bill.  <big smile>

i am listening to…a tropical waves cd. It helps to create a sense of peaceful relaxation when my mind needs to slow down.

I manifest and co-create…a life which serves others. My business coaching is coming into fuller form. Much thanks to Master S for his valuable input on various topics. A healthy and abundant life for those i love. A well-ordered home for Master.

One of my favorite things…getting a massage. Not one of those frilly ones, but the kind that makes me wince but feels sooooo good afterwards.

further plans for this week…self-discipline of my thought processes. Watching what the ego-voices are saying in their indignation over my duties. My goal is to not only learn to recognize them but ultimately view them with fond amusement.

i’m guessing my struggle is not uncommon for those beginning this journey. It’s a matter of reframing ego-driven thoughts into those of pleasure to be of service.

This morning, Master S informed me i’d be His personal attendant which includes…

-          Washing His body while he’s showering

-          Shampooing His hair

-          Toweling Him off when He’s done

-          Applying His deodorant forHim

-          Grooming His Hair

-          Shaving him (which is rather fun!)

-          Standing near the toilet paper - handing Him the required amount

-          Choosing His clothes for the day – pressing if necessary

-          Dressing Him

Admittedly, i was tired and not expecting this turn of events. To my credit, i didn’t protest but quietly did the tasks as requested. Master is patient and very good at giving direction. At first, i viewed this solely as a means to subjugate me to His will. Then He made the comment that He derives pleasure from it and thinks of it as a way for Him to have fun with this situation.

It was a bit of an aha moment to see it from His perspective. my own sense of being devalued was of my own doing – i have to keep in mind that we’re best friends and lovers even when i feel “lesser than”. Will try not to let the term “slave” represent total degradation.

My goal will be to try to remain focused on the pleasure He receives from my service and learn to view that as having tremendous value.

Master S asked me to journal the reasons why i’ve made the choice to be in a Dom/sub relationship.

The dynamics of the D/s relationship suit me. i now know that in the past, i foolishly mistook “control freaks” for Doms. They’re not the same thing. There’s a huge difference between someone who’s so insecure that they need to exert control over others vs. a Dom who commands respect due to his quiet authority.

It’s in this capacity that i can finally give myself over to someone.

i’m certainly not a helpless dependent creature. Along the way, i’ve established myself professionally as a writer. Helped business owners and entrepreneurs further their own businesses with my copywriting services. i’ve also traveled internationally to several countries and loved doing so.  

So “why sub – and why now?” Good question…

There’s a sense of being in a comfort zone – strange as it may sound. Granted, Master S doesn’t insist that i give up my identity nor is he overtly cruel. Yet the pleasure i feel when he’s pleased is a reward in itself.

Letting go of ego -  i’ve taken this on as a bit of a spiritual quest. There’s an internal struggle to obey consistently, especially when i feel like being ornery. i have to lay that aside, knowing this is my choice. Serving Master S and letting go of any resentments makes me stronger.

Trust – i fully trust Master S. Wanting to give myself – body, mind and spirit –to hold in His hands is exciting. It also feels like falling into a soft easy chair. That’s not to say that i’m always treated gently, because i’m not.  But the feeling of sanctuary is present.

After having raised children and tended to other people’s needs, it was time to take a look at what i needed/wanted. For me, handing over the reins of making big decisions or even allowing someone else to be in charge is a huge relief.   i recognize that we do indeed “allow” someone to be in charge. It’s not something that can be taken by force though many subs seem to feel that’s the case. It isn’t. Yet up to this time, there hasn’t been someone i’ve felt was trustworthy and who’d protect what i offered.

Relief – As someone who had little support for most of my life, it was always a struggle to constantly have my “male energy” up and running – for a business, a household and raising kids . As someone with sub tendencies, it felt as if i was in constant battle-mode. It wore me out. At the beginning of our relationship, i remember pretty much collapsing in tears against Master S. He was surprised when i told him that i was just so tired of feeling like i was constantly swimming upstream – fists raised – trying to make life work. It was a bit of an aha moment for me as well.

i’d never felt comfortable allowing someone to see my “weakness”. But with Master S it’s a constant revealing and…it’s okay with him.

For Master S to step in with his beautiful maleness and offer me this shelter/lifestyle, is a gift. Although i know we’d be together anyway, i want to walk this journey beside him. He is “the one”.

Master S has my devotion, gratitude and servitude. i trust no other with my very being. He treats this gift with respect and for that reason i’m able to submit and serve.