Maybe most Doms knew that they were destined to live this type of lifestyle, but not me. Of course I had fantasies about controlling beautiful women, directing them to do as I pleased, but I never suspected that I could actually live this lifestyle for real. But getting to this point has been a circuitous path, to say the least.
Actually, I thought I was more suited to be a submissive. Most of my BDSM fantasies revolved around cock and ball torture, the more over the top, the better. It was not too hard to find partners willing to play “the game” with me. However, when the scene was over, it somehow felt empty. To compensate for this, I fantasized about even more extreme scenarios. Eventually, I landed on toilet slavery as a potential path to sexual satisfaction. Though I could perform the tasks required, it still did not lead me on the path to personal happiness (as if eating and drinking human waste could really do this, lol). I really thought that surrendering myself to someone in this most intimate of ways would allow me to show them how much I loved them, and would let me express myself in a most unique and extreme fashion. I also wanted to give myself to my partner in all ways, just not sexually. The thought really excited me. Unfortunately…..doing this in even for a short period brought me into a near depression. I just could not figure out why I felt I needed to make myself someone’s slave. The thought was arousing, but actually doing it went against every feeling I had about myself.
I slowly began to realize that I needed to have control over my life. The lack of my control in the past could havebeen what led to two divorces and a whole host of other problems. One of my goals has always been for my personal life to be as rewarding as my professional life, but no matter how hard I tried, this goal always seemed to be just out of reach, though I could always seem to see it dangling in front of me. Being submissive was just not allowing me to achieve my goals.
My relationship with desiree did not start out as a Dom/sub relationship. We met on an internet dating site (and not adultfriendfinder or alt.com, lol), and started dating in a traditional fashion. I had, however, confessed to her that I had submissive tendencies, which did not scare her away. She was very curious, and supported me in my quest, even encouraging me to pursue the submissive role with her, maybe for a week, or a month, just to see how it worked for me. I began to tell her my deepest sub fantasies. It was hard for me, but she understood my need to explore this lifestyle, since I had been seeking this for a good portion of my life. We talked about it more and more, concentrating mostly on the toilet slavery aspect. We played with it eventually, even having me sign a contract stating my duties and the consequences of me not following the intricacies of the contract to the letter. The problem was, however, that neither one of us could stick to the program. desiree stated, “You suck as a submissive” after one of our failures at living this life. We laughed about it, but she was right, I really was not meant to be submissive.
During this same conversation, we discussed whether we were going to continue pursuing BDSM as a lifestyle, or even for fun, for that matter. Eventually desiree confessed that she found the submissive role to be much more to her liking than being dominant. Honestly,she sucked at being a dominant, which she would readily admit to. In past relationships, I had actually switched roles from time to time, and truly enjoyed being the Dom, but my fantasies always lead me back to the sub role. But I had finally admitted to myself that I was not going to ever be a submissive, so I was willing to explore the Dominant lifestyle, since desiree was more than willing to try the submissive role.
We have now been exploring this for about two months, and it has been going well. I no longer feel that I am compromising myself, and am living life the way that I should. I am much closer to realizing the dream of having my personal life becoming as satisfying as my professional life. And our relationship is growing closer by the day. We have decided that this is going to be a long term, possibly a permanent, lifestyle. On further posts I will try to explain what I am wanting from desiree, and why this is what I am seeking. Being new to this type of lifestyle, I would enjoy hearing from other couples who have a similar arrangement. Both desiree and myself understand that there will be certain challenges to overcome, since we are pursuing this as a 24/7 lifestyle. If anyone has insights that could be helpful, such as things to try or avoid, I am eager to listen. I tend to be a quick study.
