“i’m your slave…in all ways”

Just this morning, i said those words. He prompted me. Still, tears appeared as i verbalized them. Along with the words, came emotional reaction from the past – of having been with men who were exerting control in ways that weren’t supportive of me as a person. Am i setting myself up for more of the same?

If i was going to do this, it was going to be with a special type of Dom. One who was not only going to ask me to submit, but was going to do it in a manner which offered security and guidance.

How did i feel when I said that? Scared.

The thing is, i used to be married to a control freak. Everything had to be done a particular way – brownies cut perfectly – no wrinkles in the sheets – socks folded a certain way – no dust on the vehicle (even though we lived on a gravel road), and driving only 20 mph on the road so as to get as little dust on the vehicle as possible – no dirty windshields – no allowances made items weren’t picked up at the grocery store (forgotten) or coupons not used, etc… Any minor issue would be dealt with as if it was a mountain, and scarring would be the end result.

As long as things appeared perfect from the outside, that’s all that mattered. His own habits left a lot to be desired.  “Do as I say….”

Today though, i wondered if i wasn’t going to be reverting back to those times – except this time in a more voluntary manner.

Scary.

To put my trust in someone. Beyond scary, it’s terrifying. Before now, i could cling to the fact that I\i could and would say no. i’d put up a challenge or simply refuse. i’ve ordered my life on my own terms.  i was the queen. Now, am i to be “lesser than”?

It’ll be a lonely journey, as i can only share my thoughts when we’re in the “trust” position**. The rest of the time may be quite isolating, and i don’t know what i’ll need to fill that void.  It seems to echo the past pattern of communicating only when it’s convenient for the male.
Getting to the trust position after a BJ? Could be that resentment may be building –  and i don’t want to have to “work” at getting him aroused just so i can be heard.  **update:  The “trust position” thing has now been tossed out as it didn’t work very well.

As to my Dom…

Along with the gentleness, he has a hard inner core – the kind that isn’t easily going to bend. 

Yet as i’m doing this, it couldn’t be with a better partner. He’s supportive, kind and aware. His own experiences with the D/s situation has allowed him to look at it from both sides. i love knowing that i’m “his” and fully appreciate it.

As a growth process, i appreciate the insights it’ll incur. Handing myself over to someone – even as conscious as him – is sure to invoke a feeling of “free fall”. It’s the ultimate test of trust, which i’m not always so good with. Past experience has unfortunately led me to believe that once i hand over love to someone, they’re no longer interested in it.

Handing myself over also begs the question of “why” i would do so. It certainly means great risk emotionally and perhaps physically. Does it also put the relationship at risk? Yes. We’re changing the dynamics of what’s currently a very good thing. Two strong people – putting together a strong life. So now what?

i don’t want to be a mousy, wimpy piece of furniture. i want to maintain my sense of self. How do i incorporate this into the submissive role? Right now, i don’t have a clue…maybe that’ll become clear as we progress.

i’m strong now, more than ever. Perhaps that’s why i feel i can do this. It’s all a part of letting go.

My own journey will take me to the far borders of trust. i realize that security is an illusion, but to put such faith in someone will prove to be either very foolish, or the ultimate reward.