Entries from September 2009 ↓

Well, deciding to be Dominant was one thing.  What to do and how to do it was something else.  I have looked at numerous web sites, and read alot of material, not to mention the fact that I have fantasized and dreamt of a time like this occurring, but now I was actually faced with trying this lifestyle for real.  How to approach this was going to take some soul searching, and a tremendous amount of honest communication. 

First of all, I must say that to have desiree trust me enough to have me as her Dom is quite an honor.  First of all, to look at us, you would never think in a million years that we would be a couple who would explore this lifestyle option.  We are both professional, well regarded in our fields, articulate, funny, outwardly loving toward each other in public,  fun loving, and fit.  Not to say that others who explore this life are not the same, but we do not fit the caricature that the general public thinks of those who are “into S and M”.  To meet us you would think that we are just your everyday, average couple of 40 somethings who act like they love and respect each other.  When I met desiree, I never picked up on the submissive vibe.  Honestly, she had not been that sexually active due to her past relationships, so I wasn’t even sure if we would be sexually compatible (I am very sexual).  But we had a great first date, and have been virtually inseparable ever since.

So when I thought about this, I needed to put this type of lifestyle into a proper perspective.  desiree and Myself came up with a list of who she is, and how I think of her.  It goes something like this, and the order is important:

desiree, who are you?

1)  desiree

2)  your best friend

3)  your queen

4)  your partner

5)  sexy and sensual

6)  your slave

7)  a nymphomaniac

8)  your slut

9)  a nudist

10)  an exhibitionist

11)  anything you want me to be

That’s the list.  In one of desiree’s posts she will explain what each item on the list means and why it is in the order that it is.  Basically, it is important to note that we would still be together whether she was my submissive or not.  She brings alot of great qualities to the table and has tremendously improved my life.  So the items before the “slave” entry are there for a reason.  The fact that I get to be her Dom is truly just icing on the cake, but this icing is indeed very sweet and very rich.    With these thoughts in mind, I now had to decide what was important to me in this Dom/sub relationship.

I know that being a Dom carries a great responsibility. For that, I’m grateful to Master S for his careful ways and willingness to take me on. Along with that comes responsibility for me as well.

I am Master’s…

1. desiree – a complete person who comes to Him with full appreciation for who He is.
2. Best friend – without a deep friendship, we couldn’t communicate as completely or even have as much fun together. This is the basis of us – we trust each other to follow through and hold each other carefully at all times.
3. Queen – I stand by His side and though He looks to me for counsel, He has the final say in all things.
4. Partner – we collaborate on this life we’re building together. Both of us are invested in making it as good as it can be.
5. Sensual and sexy –Master takes great pride in my appearance and He also enjoys my reaction to sexual situations. i am multi-orgasmic and love pleasing Him.
6. Slave – His word is law. One of the cardinal rules to obey is that His word is law.
7. Nymphomaniac – i crave sex with Him. Many times, all He has to do is talk in His low “purr voice” and it drives me crazy. After all the time we’ve spent together, one would think the urge would dissipate…but it hasn’t.
8. Slut – Master prefers me to get “down and dirty” at various times. Dressing in a provocative manner excites him, and he enjoys knowing that while other men look at me…he’ll be the one taking me home.
9. Nudist – i have a nice body. Master enjoys being able to touch any part of it at any time.
10. Exhibitionist – Master prefers that I keep my body in an unclothed state whenever possible. This includes when we’re traveling in the truck or taking a walk outside.

And…

     11.  Anything else He wants me to be.

Maybe most Doms knew that they were destined to live this type of lifestyle, but not me.  Of course I had fantasies about controlling beautiful women, directing them to do as I pleased, but I never suspected that I could actually live this lifestyle for real.  But getting to this point has been a circuitous path, to say the least.

Actually, I thought I was more suited to be a submissive.  Most of my BDSM fantasies revolved around cock and ball torture, the more over the top, the better.  It was not too hard to find partners willing to play “the game” with me.  However, when the scene was over, it somehow felt empty.  To compensate for this, I fantasized about even more  extreme scenarios. Eventually, I landed on toilet slavery as a potential path to sexual satisfaction.  Though I could perform the tasks required, it still did not lead me on the path to personal happiness (as if eating and drinking human waste could really do this, lol).  I really thought that surrendering myself to someone in this most intimate of ways would allow me to show them how much I loved them, and would let me express myself in a most unique and extreme fashion.   I also wanted to give myself to my partner in all ways, just not sexually. The thought really excited me.  Unfortunately…..doing this in even for a short period brought me into a near depression.  I just could not figure out why I felt I needed to make myself someone’s slave.  The thought was arousing, but actually doing it went against every feeling I had about myself. 

I slowly began to realize that I needed to have control over my life.  The lack of my control in the past could havebeen what led to two divorces and a whole host of other problems.  One of my goals has always been for my personal life to be as rewarding as my professional life, but no matter how hard I tried, this goal always seemed to be just out of reach, though I could always seem to see it dangling in front of me.  Being submissive was just not allowing me to achieve my goals.

My relationship with desiree did not start out as a Dom/sub relationship.   We met on an internet dating site (and not adultfriendfinder or alt.com, lol), and started dating in a traditional fashion.  I had, however, confessed to her that I had submissive tendencies, which did not scare her away.  She was very curious, and supported me in my quest, even encouraging me to pursue the submissive role with her, maybe for a week, or a month, just to see how it worked for me.  I began to tell her my deepest sub fantasies.  It was hard for me, but she understood my need to explore this lifestyle, since I had been seeking this for a good portion of my life.   We talked about it more and more, concentrating mostly on the toilet slavery aspect.  We played with it eventually, even having me sign a contract stating my duties and the consequences of me not following the intricacies of the contract to the letter.  The problem was, however, that neither one of us could stick to the program.  desiree stated, “You suck as a submissive” after one of our failures at living this life.  We laughed about it, but she was right, I really was not meant to be submissive.

During this same conversation, we discussed  whether we were going to continue pursuing BDSM as a lifestyle, or even for fun, for that matter.  Eventually desiree confessed that she found the submissive role to be much more to her liking than being dominant.  Honestly,she sucked at being a dominant, which she would readily admit to.  In past relationships, I had actually switched roles from time to time, and truly enjoyed being the Dom, but my fantasies always lead me back to the sub role.  But I had finally admitted to myself that I was not going to ever be a submissive, so I was willing to explore the Dominant lifestyle, since desiree was more than willing to try the submissive role.

We have now been exploring this for about two months, and it has been going well.  I no longer feel that I am compromising myself, and am living life the way that I should.  I am much closer to realizing the dream of having my personal life becoming as satisfying as my professional life.  And our relationship is growing closer by the day.  We have decided that this is going to be a long term, possibly a permanent, lifestyle.  On further posts I will try to explain what I am wanting from desiree, and why this is what I am seeking.  Being new to this type of lifestyle, I would enjoy hearing from other couples who have a similar arrangement.  Both desiree and myself understand that there will be certain challenges to overcome, since we are pursuing this as a 24/7 lifestyle.  If anyone has insights that could be helpful, such as things to try or avoid, I am eager to listen. I tend to be a quick study.

I transgressed and broke one of Master’s cardinal rules.

It wasn’t with intent, it just happened because I was caught up in other stresses. As a result, I disappointed Master greatly by not being entirely naked. It’s his command that I always am without clothing in his presence unless other people are around. I know that – yet I forgot.

As he didn’t want to strike me himself, I had to lay on the bed with legs spread apart. Then, give myself ten hard slaps to the pussy. If he deemed any of them as weak hits, then I had to do them over. My estimation is that I endured at least 17 before he was satisfied.

I have to admit, the look on his face while watching made me even wetter. When I finished my punishment, he placed his penis inside me and while I verbally described what the pussy slappings felt like, he came.

Here i am today, pledging unswerving servitude to my Master. As a proud, independent woman, this is a surprising turn of events.

Past experience has taught me to be defensive, deflecting injury from wherever it may pop up. Sadly, trust has been the victim and the winner reaped the victory of the upper hand. Imagine my surprise to find my perspective challenged enough to induce a shift in attitude.

There’s a marked difference between the false princes who stomp their feet, and the kings who command respect with gentle but firm command.

i’ve found what I’ve been seeking. A man who i can completely give myself to, with no holding back. i know that he holds this treasure dearly. He is not a fool, he is comfortable in his authority and uses it wisely.

Pain isn’t delivered on a whim. It’s with thought and concern.

i do his bidding because i want to pleasure him. i am dependent on him. i serve because he deserves it.

He is my King.

Just this morning, i said those words. He prompted me. Still, tears appeared as i verbalized them. Along with the words, came emotional reaction from the past – of having been with men who were exerting control in ways that weren’t supportive of me as a person. Am i setting myself up for more of the same?

If i was going to do this, it was going to be with a special type of Dom. One who was not only going to ask me to submit, but was going to do it in a manner which offered security and guidance.

How did i feel when I said that? Scared.

The thing is, i used to be married to a control freak. Everything had to be done a particular way – brownies cut perfectly – no wrinkles in the sheets – socks folded a certain way – no dust on the vehicle (even though we lived on a gravel road), and driving only 20 mph on the road so as to get as little dust on the vehicle as possible – no dirty windshields – no allowances made items weren’t picked up at the grocery store (forgotten) or coupons not used, etc… Any minor issue would be dealt with as if it was a mountain, and scarring would be the end result.

As long as things appeared perfect from the outside, that’s all that mattered. His own habits left a lot to be desired.  “Do as I say….”

Today though, i wondered if i wasn’t going to be reverting back to those times – except this time in a more voluntary manner.

Scary.

To put my trust in someone. Beyond scary, it’s terrifying. Before now, i could cling to the fact that I\i could and would say no. i’d put up a challenge or simply refuse. i’ve ordered my life on my own terms.  i was the queen. Now, am i to be “lesser than”?

It’ll be a lonely journey, as i can only share my thoughts when we’re in the “trust” position**. The rest of the time may be quite isolating, and i don’t know what i’ll need to fill that void.  It seems to echo the past pattern of communicating only when it’s convenient for the male.
Getting to the trust position after a BJ? Could be that resentment may be building –  and i don’t want to have to “work” at getting him aroused just so i can be heard.  **update:  The “trust position” thing has now been tossed out as it didn’t work very well.

As to my Dom…

Along with the gentleness, he has a hard inner core – the kind that isn’t easily going to bend. 

Yet as i’m doing this, it couldn’t be with a better partner. He’s supportive, kind and aware. His own experiences with the D/s situation has allowed him to look at it from both sides. i love knowing that i’m “his” and fully appreciate it.

As a growth process, i appreciate the insights it’ll incur. Handing myself over to someone – even as conscious as him – is sure to invoke a feeling of “free fall”. It’s the ultimate test of trust, which i’m not always so good with. Past experience has unfortunately led me to believe that once i hand over love to someone, they’re no longer interested in it.

Handing myself over also begs the question of “why” i would do so. It certainly means great risk emotionally and perhaps physically. Does it also put the relationship at risk? Yes. We’re changing the dynamics of what’s currently a very good thing. Two strong people – putting together a strong life. So now what?

i don’t want to be a mousy, wimpy piece of furniture. i want to maintain my sense of self. How do i incorporate this into the submissive role? Right now, i don’t have a clue…maybe that’ll become clear as we progress.

i’m strong now, more than ever. Perhaps that’s why i feel i can do this. It’s all a part of letting go.

My own journey will take me to the far borders of trust. i realize that security is an illusion, but to put such faith in someone will prove to be either very foolish, or the ultimate reward.

Here they are – my first set of rules to follow.  They seem simple enough, but i know that Master is trying not to overwhelm me right away.

No clothes in his presence

Ask before getting into the vehicle if my pants should stay on or off

Make sure cat litter is scooped daily

Clean sheets

No clutter

Vacuum/dust once a week

4 hrs/wk dedicated to creative pursuits – writing, painting, drawing

Come up with one kinky idea each week

Start a site/blog – done!